Monday, December 17, 2018

The Divination Project: Part 11: Big Love

Alice knows her readers are waiting to hear how in the heck she decided to post pictures of herself in a bustier, thong and heels on Instagram, but that's not important right now. Leading up to that was a tremendous time of challenge and healing, and the chapter is in the works, but so much happened it became like a New York City traffic jam in her head, word-wise. Let's just say it was an absolutely beautiful lesson in letting go energetically, and she is much clearer about what her purpose is.

And that was the whole point of The Divination Project in the first place. She wanted to see her Path.

And the funny thing is, The Divination Project IS her path, or at least a big, big part of it.

Let me explain.

Alice's life has always been about The Journey. The magic in her life has always come through letting go expectations and following signs from The Universe. The Divination Project sort of served as a lab notebook for her on her path, where she could record synchronicities as a way to reassure herself she was doing the right thing. Remember, Alice used to be a scientist, highly concerned with documentation and proof, and she has proven many things to herself through this writing and recording of synchronicities, but the most important thing she has learned is the Power of Love. And the presence of a Big Love. Sounds corny, but it is a real deal. And acting in accordance with love and recording that journey did help her find her destiny.

Alice lives her life like every moment is sacred. Every connection potentially sacred, for this reason.

This has its problems, of course, unless one knows how to protect one's energy! But if you learn that, well, life is nothing short of magic.

Everything really is connected. It's beautiful.

***

For her entire life, Alice has healed through getting to know herself. Several years ago, she made a friend through Facebook groups studying the work of Ray Peat, PhD, who wrote a book called Mind and Tissue. Alice, while being capable of understand most of Ray's writings, just could not wrap her mind around this particular book. She was in a fog for a really, really long time (even though she was totally living the way described by the book without knowing it), and as she incorporated his writings and the writings of her friend (who happens to be an astrologer) into her life, the fog lifted more and more.

Her astrologer friend, who lives very far away, could be out of touch for six months or longer, and would reach out to her randomly, typically at a time when Alice was feeling really low. Her friend provided the first glimpse into Alice's astrological natal chart, which ended up being a very significant part of Alice's understanding of herself. Her friend also introduced her to the work of Joseph Campbell. When she finally started reading Joseph Campbell, it was so profound to her that she wanted desperately to have someone to discuss his work with nearby. Only at that time, it seemed like everyone was engaged in a battle over politics, or was significantly wrapped up in basic needs, without time or energy to study with her.

Things in Alice's life weren't ideal, but she had it better than most people in the world, so she didn't think to ask for more. But sometimes the Universe gives you a mirror to help you see something about yourself, and that's what happened to Alice.

***

Joseph Campbell talks about "Answering the Call." His writing deals with The Hero's Journey, inspired by the works of James Joyce, who happens to share Alice's Karmic Path. She hasn't read Joyce yet, though when life slows down a bit, she has him queued up on Audible to do so. (Many US Citizens have trouble reading Joyce, so it is recommended to listen instead, to become familiar with Joyce's voice).

So, The Call arrived in the form of a person, which, Joseph Campbell explains, is how The Call often arrives.

Alice actually began writing all about this part of the story quite a few months ago when she was interrupted by her very persistent friend and Sister In Law, who is a Gemini, who spent hours of her own precious work time convincing Alice to apply for the Denver Meow Wolf installation. I'm mentioning this because Alice had a lot to learn from Geminis about herself this year. Thank you, Geminis!

And her Leos - loving passionately, playfully, sometimes covetously, but always in a forgiving and generous way. Thank you, Leos.

And the Libras - generous, pragmatic and mindful in their approaches. Thank you, Libras.

And the Scorpios - wise, intuitive, enigmatic, and receptive with good boundaries. Thank you, Scorpios.

And the Aries - passionate, intuitive, and bursting with energy. Thank you, Aries.

And then there's the Virgos and the Capricorns, seemingly unconcerned with what anyone else thinks, going through the world making their magic in a reliable, dedicated, and wise continual fashion. Thank you, Virgos and Capricorn.

But it is the Capricorn who would be most constant and tenacious and whose Call was strongest. Her Mars is in Capricorn, but there were some things she needed to address in her life to make the best of this energy, specifically surrounding her relationships with Leo and Gemini, who are drawn to her. Mars is how we get stuff done. So, while for most of her life, she had a pattern of giving up at 80%, one big lesson she needed to learn was how to make it to 100%, and she learned that from Capricorns. Even just a little bit of effort every day can get the job done. Just start. Just do it. Have good boundaries. There is magic in solitude.

All along the journey, she was worried that her actions to improve her life were also creating confusion in her relationship with this Capricorn, and through that she learned how fine the line is between selfish love and love for humanity. She learned about her own self-sabotaging behaviors (ahem, doing tarot readings for people she is trying to release).

Thank you to everyone who shared time with Alice, because you issued a Call to her without even knowing. She learns something about herself from everyone she meets, but some people give her more lessons than others. Without those Calls, Alice would not have figured out her purpose. While there is magic in solitude, there is also magic in connection.   

But attachment is often toxic.

To this end, Alice releases any and all attachments. She is thankful for the love, intimacy and playful energies that carried her through her journey to being her own person, unconsciously and consciously. There is not much that can't be healed through love, intimacy, play, and solitude. She is open to any connections that want to remain, with healthy boundaries.

Those are the new terms of her agreement with Carl, too. She is her own person and can have whatever sort of relationship with whomever she wants.

"Just no shitbags," he says.

Shitbags? She wonders.

He's very protective of her, and wonders who she has in mind. He clarifies that he never thought that about any of her friends. Nobody she has written about in this book or with whom she has maintained connections, unconsciously or consciously falls into this category. EXCEPT SOMEONE WHO MAY BE CREEPING ON HER (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). She prefers connections where, according to this chapter in Mind and Tissue, the people can manifest something bigger than themselves. This requires abilities for unattached love, forgiveness, honesty, compassion, openness, and respect for boundaries.

***

Alice is an Aquarius. So what? This means she thinks weird and she thinks big, and the nature of her thoughts is altruistic. She's been going through her life feeling messages from others that she is not trustworthy because they project their hurt from past relationships on her, and can't fathom that she is so torn up about the state of the world she is willing to offer herself to fix it. Alice really, really doesn't want to hurt anyone. She wants to love people, and help them heal, so they can do what they are put here to do. But she is a human being and so sometimes she gets hurt and has to heal, too. But she's an expert at this now! (She thinks... but she could really use a break from needing to heal, Universe, FWIW)

Alice and Charlotte had a tremendous falling out over the second weekend in December, and that's why Alice hasn't written. She wasn't sure what to write, because she was in so much pain over feeling like she wasn't trusted. They have been friends for probably 16 years, first online, and their friendship has changed a lot. Charlotte was there physically, emotionally and spiritually for Alice when Alice was going through the worst with Carl. Many people were there for her, helping to heal her wounds so she could help Carl heal. So the loss of Charlotte, who Alice was sure understood the basic nature of her soul, hurt tremendously. Alice didn't even do anything "wrong," it was just Charlotte's projections from her other mom friend relationship experiences which caused her to hurt Alice.

Over the years, Alice has released a lot of her mom friends, because they can be critical, manipulative, and sometimes outright controlling. Over the years she has figured out that even watching other parents with their children can be a real trigger for Alice. The more controlling a parent is with their child, the more space she needs from that person. Each release of a relationship like this was a major healing for Alice. She started with relationships on the outer periphery of her sphere of influence, and worked inward until she reached Carl.

She even had to do this with her own mother, an adoptee born on the Pisces/Aries cusp. There was a large amount of generational trauma that got passed down to Alice, from which she needed to heal. She got the brunt of it because she was the oldest child, and as parents, we tend to learn quite a bit with that first child. Alice worries a lot about Nolan for this reason.

For many years, Alice felt like she wasn't trusted by her closest family members, precisely because they were so critical and controlling of her, constantly violating any boundaries she tried to establish to protect her energy. They were often triggered and became abusive when she would try to protect her boundaries, because they had issues with having been rejected by their parents. That means that subconsciously she had a script running 24/7 where she felt unworthy of trust, affection, or abundance, and she projected that insecurity onto any relationship where she put another person on a pedestal. Being the odd bird that she is, it means she was very sensitive to being thought of as weird, too. But her weird is what makes her unique!

One day quite a few weeks ago, she told her mother that her journey of transformation began when she asked herself why she was such a people-pleaser. She realized that a lot of it came from her mother's criticism. Both her mother and Carl, and her father when she was younger, had a particular air about them (cold, distant) to show disapproval in her behavior, which was typically about needing her energy, and her applying her energy elsewhere. But it was a trigger for her, because it was essentially what therapists call "emotional blackmail" - which is conditional love. So, Alice never learned how to love herself unconditionally. She knows how to love others unconditionally, and also how to release them, but she was unable to afford herself the same basic care.

Parents use emotional blackmail with their children all the time. It is the energy underlying grading systems, punishments and bribes. It is the traumatic thread, binding us all together. It is the seed of victimhood and narcissism. Unconditional love for our children is the antidote to this toxicity, in the big picture. Unconditional love for ourselves will bridge the gap, since for generations, authoritarian parenting paradigms have contributed to a culture of victimhood and narcissism, and attachment rather than connection.

When asked the question about why her mother consciously made her into a people pleaser, her mother said that when she was growing up, quite poor, she saw that people who were hard workers seemed to have everything handed to them on a silver platter, so she wanted that for Alice, too. That's why, when Alice was a child, her mother often said, "When I say 'JUMP!' You ask 'How high?!?" Alice made a conscious decision not to parent like this, because she knew the extent to which it twisted her up inside.

What's funny is that Nolan and Sally are very diligent workers, and they only do what they want to do (well, Nolan has homework he doesn't always want to do). But they pitch in for the well-being of the family, because they are motivated out of love and gratitude, usually. Alice thinks maybe this could swing the other way when Carl and Alice aren't doing well, because since they are open and honest in the house, the kids know that Carl and Alice sometimes argue when they are drained, and this can resemble emotional blackmail. Alice and Carl are mindful to remind the kids they are loved, even when they are having difficulty with each other. They give lots of hugs and lots of apologies in their house.

So. When Alice was taking classes, even though she has a PhD - level education, at the community college, the pressure to perform for an authority for a grade unraveled her. She didn't trust herself to do well! She didn't think she was good enough. She often had panic attacks before tests and presentations, and this had never happened to her before.

It was all hogwash. All programming passed down to her from her adoptive grandfather, born in 1899, who was rejected by his family for adopting her mother and grandmother. That's a story all its own!

But now that Alice sees this, now that she sees a big place where the icky voices come from, she can spend a little time with them, give 'em a hug, and let them go. Depending on the depth of the hurt, it can take more or less time.

Geminis, primarily, helped her learn this lesson this year, because her experiences with their Mr. Hyde side helped her to recognize her own Mr. Hyde. They also helped her learn that holding back information in order to manipulate a situation creates unnecessary drama, and that transparency really is the best currency. Also, she learned that submission to dogma and ego and refusal to trust one's own intuitive ability keeps us in stagnation. In transparent communication, there is healing.

***

She was in a real funk the weekend of her encounter with Charlotte, and didn't know what to do. First, she told Charlotte she was hurt, and then went inward. Ordinarily, she would skip the part where she was honest about her feelings, so that was a big step forward for her. Charlotte wanted to fix things right away, but Alice needed time alone. That is very typical of Aquarius to do, usually with a cold shoulder. So, what I'm saying is that when she's hurt, Alice can resort to emotional blackmail, only that's not the way it looked to her! She was just trying to move on with her life and protect her energy so she could heal. So, she summoned up her Mars in Capricorn and decided to make progress on her online Tarot class. Tarot has become an incredible tool for her, creatively and spiritually. It has helped her to see how we are all connected. She has had magical moments with quite a few people, now, using Tarot, and that's apparently a significant part of her journey. It started out like a guilty pleasure, but is now a fundamental joy.

It turns out that she left off at the tarot class on helping people find their purpose. The teacher showed a spread for helping investigate purpose, and then mentioned it was best used in combination with astrology, specifically the karmic path of the questioner.

This is not a new concept for Alice. When she went to Los Angeles in June with Pearl, she was introduced to the work of Gary Goldschneider, a Yale Psychologist and astrologer who studied relationships and karmic destiny. Karmic paths are essentially moving from a less developed psychological place to a more developed psychological place. Alice's path is The Path of Responsibility. It is moving from a Gemini I mindset to a Sagittarius I mindset. Freedom to Independence.

For anyone who has been reading The Divination Project through from the beginning, you may recognize that this is exactly what she has been doing. In the tarot, the eight of swords is a frequent visitor to her spreads, reminding her that any entrapment she feels is all in her head. She is independent. And the irony (or divine thread) in the story is that she already had been following her karmic path by listening to her heart. She rarely refuses a Call, because they are offered as lessons on one's karmic path. To refuse The Call is to refuse growth.

So. Her Crazy Heart fell in love with a Capricorn, in order to teach her the difference between attachment and connection, freedom and independence. Letting go has been a process a lot like Zeno's paradox - she gets halfway closer to letting go each time, and the Universe brings in more magic so she can let go of the attachment and dependence! What's left after this process? Connection without attachment. Unconditional love for herself as well as others. Independence. Thank you, Universe. This is Nirvana.

But, as she would find out, it's more than that. She also found her voice! Writing and making art bring her so much joy! She COULD be happy living alone and doing these things, but she is grateful for the relationships the Universe brought her. She and Carl recognize that their relationship is bigger than the two of them. They see how being strong for themselves and each other inspires people in their community. She sees the potential and value in connection over attachment so much clearer now.

And she wants to invite in whatever energy can be helpful to her on her karmic path, which is deeper than she could have imagined. She has just scratched the surface. This book isn't done yet. It is just an important part of her path.

***

"Look up where your North Node is," says her Tarot teacher. She had done this before, she was sure. But maybe she did it wrong? She looks at her natal chart in the Astromatrix app. North Node in Sagittarius in the 12th House.

Twelfth house? she thinks. She is sure she accidentally meditated on the 10th house, which was about getting over self-censorship and people-pleasing. If she's remembering correctly. Well, that certainly didn't hurt, except for the New York City traffic jams of ideas now in her head. Not the worst problem for a creative to have!

She Googles "North Node in Sagittarius in the 12th House" and finds much more detailed descriptions of her path:

https://theastrocodex.com/north-node-in-the-12th-house/

http://astroarena12.blogspot.com/2016/07/north-node-in-sagittarius-candid-soul.html

The gist? Her path is to explore her subconscious, the numinous, and create. It is to pursue truth and oneness, without need for proof. "Proof" is, ironically or not, the title of the unfinished chapter she has been struggling with, and she's tempted to just leave it, even though it had some great lessons in it for her. She doesn't need any proof anymore. She believes in Magic. She believes in "God" or at least the big "I AM." She believes in Big Love, and she is thankful for the myriad ways The Universe has shown her.

It aligns with everything she has imagined for herself, and everything in which she has found joy. There's even a little odd synchronicity in the descriptions of her path where she is to move away from relationships with small animals to relationships with bigger animals, and she thinks about how she is allergic to Timothy hay and thinks that horses are out of the question. Then she thinks of all the big dogs - Lou, Ruth and Jeremy's pitties, and Jess, Maggie and Guido's German Shepherds.

She wonders if Charlotte's karmic path is so profound, and she looks it up. North Node in the 9th House in Aries. It's very similar, but different. She finds it highly significant, and knows that Charlotte would probably like to see it, since they were on a growth path together for all these years. Indeed. They are both to release the mundane, and move to a more spiritual realm. Charlotte is to release her control issues.

She sends all four links to Charlotte and waits.

***

Charlotte's son is an Aquarius, and Nolan has several planets in Aquarius, so the women both know of Aquarians' highly altruistic nature. Alice's Mercury, the way she communicates, is also in Aquarius. Writing is the thing she can't not do, and she always does it with the bigger picture in mind.

Over the course of her writing, Alice has manifested some interesting relationships. More than one has had a sexual undertone, so she has had to become confident in the ability to have these difficult discussions with people she loves about her feelings. Not an easy thing for an Aquarius who got married at 21, honestly, but she is getting better and better at it, and she knows the importance of transparency!

As the women walk the path around a lake, finally discussing a number of elephants that had been in the room, Alice explains this to Charlotte. She explains that she has sensed sexual attraction from a few of her female friends, and that she was still navigating that heart space, but that she didn't feel that way about Charlotte. Charlotte confirms that there was sexual attraction, and Alice does say, "But I do love you very much. Just not like that." It feels good to validate what Charlotte was feeling, and also to clarify it. The women hold hands as they walk down the sidewalk, and it doesn't feel weird.

She traveled the journey of Lilith earlier, so she has a handle on her sexual desires, finally. Phew! That one was quite the ride. She hopes there is a nice long break before The Universe decides to test that lesson, pleasepleaseplease.

The walk felt sacred. Alice had a significant moment of deja vu when Charlotte mentioned distancing herself emotionally from a certain relationship (not theirs). And at the beginning of their walk, Charlotte stopped and patted a neighbor's German Shepherd through a wrought-iron fence. Alice stuck her hand through the new-to-her dog's fence, and the big dog licked her. She's running with the wolves, now. The Universe has their backs.

They tore up their soul contract and rewrote it, and that was extremely freeing.

***

Charlotte is highly intuitive and also intelligent, so she picked up on everything Alice was hoping to transmit to her through the internet links, specifically that they had similar karmic paths and could help each other, but also that there were some potential issues specifically surrounding Charlotte's battle with control and minutiae that were triggers for Alice, because she is supposed to move away from them to stay as connected to her intuition as possible. That's what feels right to Alice, anyway. Charlotte had replied to Alice's email the next day:

"Wow, that was so on point for both of us, I'm in tears. In a good way. I'll have to re-read a few times, and I need to do a bunch of writing. Thank you for finding this and sharing it. It means a lot to me, so much, that you are looking at the bigger picture. Love you, Charlotte."

Charlotte had apologized right away by text for projecting her insecurities about friendships onto theirs. The two had been at the center of large networks of mothers in Northern Colorado, and so had witnessed the most dysfunctional types of relationships women could have, sick energy from childhood abuse and neglect and childish high school energy baked right in. They both wanted spaces of permission for women to heal as to best support their families, but some women were so wounded they constantly worked against community-building efforts without even knowing. They would go behind each others' backs and gossip, manipulated situations to suit their own needs rather than the needs of the group, they were competitive and not in a friendly way, they projected their fears onto their relationships, and subscribed to authoritarian paradigms which ultimately separated themselves from their intuition. All of them did it at one time or another, even Alice and Charlotte. They had not had issues like this in their friendship, for the most part, and had Alice not dealt with Carl's control issues, she wouldn't have been able to see the subtler issues in her relationship with Charlotte that were still draining her energy.

They are dedicated to helping each other grow. To seeing the bigger picture. To creating something bigger than themselves. This is her idea of friendship. Friendships should not be draining due to manipulation, deceit, selfishness, control, jealousy, or any other toxic energy. She will not let you in with that energy. Mistakes are okay because we are all human, but repeated energetic vampirism will not be tolerated.

She's looking for friends whose destiny also lies in the Big Love of the Numinous. Expansive Love.

If you're capable of such a friendship, no matter what your history with Alice, reach out whenever you are ready, however you wish. Even by smoke signal, which is actually quite a beautiful dialogue. As long as you understand the terms. (UNLESS YOU ARE THAT GUY WHO SHE IS PRETTY SURE IS A STALKER, THEN BUZZ OFF BECAUSE YOU WILL BE REPORTED TO THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU CONTINUE CONTACT).

Thank you to the special Capricorn-Aquarius who issued The Call, intentionally or not. As she has said, numerous times, Alice is indebted to you not just for saving her life, but helping her find her purpose. And she was right all along, it IS to love. Just not mindlessly, silently, or selfishly, and much more deeply and differently than she imagined. You helped the lives of more people than you will ever know through your friendship with Alice, and so any offer of help she has made to you in the past is still valid. She will stop mucking around in your energy, too. The ball is in your court. Peace, friend.

No comments:

Post a Comment