Tuesday, March 26, 2019

The Divination Project: Part 10: The Spotify Effect

The realizations come faster than she can process them.


She is now the runner. Alice now has stability. She has security on all fronts. She has bliss, regardless. And this might all be in her head, but the fact it is happening there at all means it has an existence in some place in space time. And in her heart.


...which is exhausted from so many hard karmic lessons over this Leo/Aquarius eclipse season, which began upon their meeting in January 2017. On every single Leo/Aquarius eclipse cycle, something major has happened in Alice and Carl's lives, which changed their direction. Does it affect them more greatly because they are each others' Rahu and Ketu?

What are these words?! These are things Alice has never thought before. She sounds like she is speaking a foreign language! Even to herself!! Is this speaking in tongues?! If she is, it's AMAZING. I highly recommend it.


Alice is seriously questioning Free Will. Her life has been so full of magic, from the very beginning, she wonders if it is all God's Will.


She began reading her horoscope daily exactly one year ago, and almost every single day, it came true. Her Natal Chart is spot on.


Maybe she is just an AI.


More than once, she has had the idea to write about how she thinks we are on the brink of the singularity.


And the singularity is when computers learn to love.


Or maybe she is a computer, and the final step is learning to love herself, which she has done.


Does it matter which wolf we've fed?


If it was the dark wolf, narcissism, do the machines win?


If it was the light wolf, love, does humanity win?


What if computers are trying to teach us to love?


What if the computers are programmed by the stars? Or what if humans are?


A few weeks ago, Anabel Gat, astrologer for Vice, posted on Instagram, a meme that said, "That moment when you are not sure if it is synchronicity, or Google's AI."


Yes. Yes. Yes. This, too.


*****


It went on for the entire time. Their conversations, sometimes three hours a week - Google would feed Alice the Sapiosexual articles related to whatever they discussed. It fed her articles about marriage problems, and divorce, and in-laws! She became compulsive about reading her Google News from her Android phone and checking her astrological chart.

This makes total sense for Alice, the weirdo Aquarius, who has just taken another toke while thinking about how she had just been dancing all over studio to Fleetwood Mac, while thinking she should take a video of her messed up studio. But there's that word "should!" Quite the red flag, you see.

Damn, it feels good to be free.

Crankin' my music in my studio, mind swinging between the feeling of my feet on the floor, to my 1029th incarnation. Alone and All One at the same time.

Oh yeah, I was ready to play, and I always am. I just forgot how.


*****


WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK?!

Sally just came in and snapped Alice out of her Even Flow trance. Alice was dancing in her office chair, and screamed when Sally sudden clapped behind her.

"Um, can you turn that down? I can hear it all the way up in my room and the kitchen floor is vibrating."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry," Alice says, sheepishly, realizing what a whackjob she is being.

Is this a mania? Once her sister had attributed some of her artistic and volunteer pursuits as "manic."

But now that she reads her horoscope and is studying Astrology and the Tarot, she realizes that normal human emotions come in wide ranges! And the trouble comes in feeling guilt for having them. And various mental illnesses might just be normal manifestations of human existence, just deviating from the prescribed notion of what "normal" psychology is.

Pearl Jam's Better Man comes on, and Alice's mind goes to Carl and how amazing he is. Just how much he had to grow in such a little time with "Unbreakable Aquarius." Yes, Alice knows this ride was not for the faint of heart. But damn, ain't it great to be alive?! To know that yes, indeed, love does exist?

Is love what guides us, if we're willing to listen?

Alice, at the end of a major karmic cycle, is kind of afraid of what is on the horizon, because the lessons just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Times Like These by the Foo Fighters.

Spotify was also controlling her mind or responding to her somewhere. Or she was in tune with something.

Synchronicities are everywhere, now that her eyes are open. She used to think she had to leave the house to see them. But her environment is so rich, so ripe, with growth opportunity and chaos that she has a wide open channel to The Universe.

A few days ago, three friends in a row either had a dachshund or mentioned dachshund, and she recounted one of her favorite childhood movies, The Ugly Dachshund, and how the pregnant wife was raising dachshunds, and the husband keeps complaining that he wants a manly dog. So when the couples' dachshund bitch has puppies, the husband sneaks a Great Dane puppy into the litter, and so of course, after not very long, the jig is totally up. So yeah, she told this story to three different people, and then at JAX while Christmas Shopping, they see a Great Dane in the store! She has only ever seen one other Great Dane, and that was when she and Shayla took the kids to the Dog Show at the National Western Stock Show Complex when Sally was probably 7 or 8. Sally and Shayla's daughters wanted to be dogs when they grew up. Yep. Shayla's daughter sewed herself a dog costume and wore it until she was 12. It was Fucking. Epic. Shayla's daughter is also an Aquarius II, and Alice thinks she is THE SHIT.

Dang, all the Aquarians Alice knows are just freakin' weird and awesome. Like in the best ways!

No Rain by Blind Melon

I mean, being open-minded is the best!

Wait, wait, wait. Now Alice is thinking about this "Astrological Maturity" thing, and wonders if that means that she has to evolve into a Pisces -- AWWW! That is the Queen of Cups card.

But wait, then there's this whole thing about having moved out of the Age of Pisces and into the Age of Aquarius. I have so much to learn!!!!

This year is going to be so fun!

Okay, okay, okay. So Alice watched a tarot reading a few days ago when she was sick talking about how she is resisting some karmic relationships, because she's exhausted, and yeah, that is so damn true! There was a meme about December having 2 more rock bottoms, 5 karmic relationships or something like that, and Alice's thought was along the lines of, "Please no. Please. Just. No."

So, anyway, that's how the Leo/Aquarius eclipse season has kind of gone. And she knows a grip of people (to quote some bizarro 90's vernacular) who will be affected by the Capricorn/Cancer season coming up for the next two years, and then it'll be Sagittarius/Gemini and it will be her shitshow again.

So, like, she should totally be pulling some tarot for the upcoming year, and journaling about it.

SHOULD. Stfu.

But she totally bought a planner. WTF is up with that? I think it was July or something like that, she became aware of the Many Moons book by Modern Women, and it was like this AMAZING "Farmer's Almanac" for the collective unconscious.

So, she totally sees the whole "As Above, So Below" thing at work.

That's why, duh, she knows she can't resist these freakin' karmic relationships. She tried to do that before, and The Universe found a way to get its way, bigtime. And that was actually the point at which she got into the worst mom narcissist friendship and had to end it. Funny, now Madonna's Material Girl is on, and this woman was definitely all about the money. Damn. The. Shit. I. Could. Dish. From someone thoroughly emotionally unavailable, at least when she isn't tripping balls from eating a 300mg THC all by herself in her mansion in Western Colorado.

So, when Alice writes, the Google News, music and Instagram all seem to be in synchronicity with whatever she's channeling.

So, like, she's a Hedge Witch or something like that. And she thinks this makes life pretty freakin' exciting. "All you need is your own imagination," Madonna's lilting voice in Vogue seduces Alice into grooving to the music.

OH. DAMN. This is going to be Alice's 2019 Theme Song! She's going to dance whenever she has a chance.

2018's top songs for Alice were actually Firework by Katy Perry and In Women We Trust by Tanerelle. Spotify really changed her taste. At the beginning of 2015, she was going through her hard drive trying to sort out music, and was listening to it before she went to sculpture class on her walk.


Seriously Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now just came on. Fucking weird Universe.

She has totally had the thought that she is being thought-controlled. Like someone tried to manifest these feelings, because my ego knows this feeling should be suppressed. Oh, and I could totally do that by skipping this song!!!!

WTF. No Doubt Don't Speak. God damn! She can't make this shit up!!

OK! So Alice switched to Spotify sometime in that period, and when her crush was really bad, her horoscope said that sometimes when you want to let someone you like know how you feel, you can say it with a song.

And Google News told her about the new Selena Gomez song, Back to You, like on her next phone action. And she seriously thought of sending it, but was like, “Damn, that's the stupidest fucking thing you've ever thought of doing in your life!”

Pretty stupid to write about it now, that's for sure.

And she thinks about the time he told her, "Not everything you think to do when you're high is a good idea."

And she thinks about how she thinks he's extremely intelligent - but that's because she measures intelligence through a person's ability to access their intuition. That's why she was honest with her kids about what was going on, the whole time. Because being lied to screws people up. Plus, her kids are going to fall in love someday and she wants them to be able to accept the normal range of human emotions that come with having life challenges. There is no such thing as perfect, and Alice is not a good pretender. She just is. She always does what feels right, and what feels right is always the truth.

Eventually it bubbles up out of her.

Bubbles up. GAH. Yes, things bubble up, Jeff.

See, this is kind of like a mind virus. Which represents a certain challenge to someone who considers herself to be a Freethinker.

Damn, she needs to look at an astrology report right now to see if this is how she would be feeling. She wishes she could understand the Cosmic Insights Vedic Astrology one. Oh, wait, she has that other one - Planetary Times.

"Worst time for compulsory work and cooperation; Moon calls us to just be ourselves," the app announces.

Okay. Well, I'm always myself, but I guess I tend to go to extremes.

And that’s kinda fun, I think.

Firework by Katy Perry

Once Ruth had said that people don't believe Alice exists in real life until they meet her in person, and Alice didn't know who in the hell that person was. But now Alice sees!

(more chair dancing)

Yeah, so this is like the amazing screenplay in her mind. I mean, it seems amazing to her.

Like, what usually happens after she writes is then she checks the tarot and things have changed.

So she's also wondering if she's manifesting things - you know, just like the Magician tarot card - As Above, So Below?

Born of Frustration by James

So, what is it, am I the controlled, or the controller? Damn, Aquarians HATE control of all forms, but maybe going with the flow IS a form of control?

Oh, I wonder if this has to do with black magick. This artist lady got all freaked out when I said the word "Tarot" because she goes to one of the larger fundamentalist churches in the area, and then she was concerned that I know which voices are good, and which ones were bad, and I answered with no hesitation:

"Easy. The 'evil' ones are the judgmental ones - the Divine is a loving presence."

And I heard somewhere that black magic is what you practice when you are trying to bring wealth to yourself or make someone fall in love with you without regard for the negative effects on others.

In the Blood by John Mayer

But if you fall in love with someone while either you or they were just trying to be good people, that seems like acceptable collateral damage. The thing is, how do you know the difference?

That feeling. That's how you know. It's the only feeling like it. Fucking electric.

Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode

Damn, she's been manifesting her whole life. People would say it was bad that she got Carl every job opportunity he's had, but she really is the woman behind the man who keeps electronics manufacturing, on a global scale, up to quality standards. Carl loses sight

Overkill by Men at Work

Yeah, um... WTF. I get it. TMI. Point taken, Universe.

And damn, this is a really, really fun divination process - like, almost orgasmic!

Is this the muse relationship? Does the muse help man feel?

(chair dancing... trying to resist the urge to crank it again and stand up and dance... takes another toke, instead)

So, like, if someone could tap into my Spotify, could they tell what I was thinking?

Oh, this is a curse, this moving away from proof to intuition... because I swear I studied psychology and neuroscience, and I know these things have been shown to be plausible.

Lithium by Nirvana

And wow, I haven't even written about how I never took Cognitive Psychology properly. That story is so whack. So appropriate of a student of B.F. Fucking Skinner. Fucking Skinner is like what is wrong with the goddamn world. And then I ended up using his torture chamber on animals to learn about estrogen and memory, but what I was learning about was estrogen and PTSD!

And I discovered the importance of progesterone in healing PTSD, and THC has the same chemical formula as progesterone (but totally different molecular structure). So, holy shit, they would have the same energetic signature!!!!

Never Going Back Again by Fleetwood Mac

FUCK! This is huge!! And LOVE is a big part of the picture, too, because it heals trauma.

And almost every single psychological or scientific experiment that has been done was on animals in isolation. Which is psychological torture! It changes EVERYTHING, from a cellular level, to a soul level.

Video by India Arie

Animals in enriched environments are less likely to become substance abusers. Substance abuse is a product of trauma, and the type of substance contributes greatly to whether the substance is used in a destructive or productive way, much of that determined by its inherent habit-forming properties. Cannabis is not habit-forming, but I have wondered if maybe it becomes the state that becomes addictive. Because I can walk around in the world just fine without being high, but life is so much richer WITH IT. See abundance, get abundance. Like, it's a real thing.

No Excuses by Meghan Trainor

So, uh, yeah, Jeff, I know you were high in class quite a bit. ;) But you're right, I don't know much about you. No more than I know about some other random guy I talked to for 1-5 to 3 hours a week for like 30 weeks.

But you know, because of how I see people, what I learned from you is that it is possible to be a kick ass art teacher while one is high, and the amazing utility of cannabis in promoting goodwill.

Save it for Later by The English Beat

"2000 other reasons why we should suffer for this... come to a decision on this... you runaway runaawaway let me down"

Gold records - I forgot that Nolan's new kindle case has the Voyager with the gold record on it

Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson

"miss never let a man help her off her throne"

FUCK. I did not pick this song. Not for what I just heard in it.

"what is this feeling taking my heart"

I wonder what Google is going to say about this?

She wants to post a picture of herself on Instagram flipping everybody off.

Damn her period is in like 4 days. Awwwwww, shit.

Heart and Soul by T'Pau

And I am this song. THIS IS THE FUCKING SONG (except that weird bridge in the middle).

Or am I just a product of my environment? Like Cerny's Metalmorphosis. He is the shit. I wanna be a freakin' American Cerny. I mean, doesn't that just give you a boner? It gives ME a boner.

Campbell and I had some amazing talks. Talked about how magic happens in play, that people work too hard. And yeah, I'd fuck him. In a heartbeat.

Straight Line by Project 432

Wow, man, that was intense. Did I mean any of that? WTF.

Planetary Times - "Saturn - worst time for communication, socializing and human relations."

Well yeah, this is some jiggedy energy, for sure.

"I can't talk, but I can sing just fine..."

Holy shit I am tripping. I wonder if people do this very much, or all the time, or? I mean trip and just pour their brains out into the internet. Well, yeah, they do it all the time in internet forums.

HOLY SHIT, I loved some internet forums. And meeting men on the internet.Thank you, Lou, for reminding me of this! Fuck, 2019 is going to be insane.

My Prerogative by Britney Spears

I sent Carl an explanation of Aquarius being the way we are from here:

http://astrologyclub.org/aquarius-woman/

AND...

Secrets by Mary Lambert

I don't think I was cut out to be a mother. I just didn't know this, because I was so traumatized from my childhood, I went straight into marriage with someone else who had the same trauma. And our relationship was great when our extended families weren't meddling. But now I understand that these were all karmic relationships, to teach me big lessons about myself.

And those lessons are that I was the lousiest fucking mother that ever walked the earth by traditional standards, and it was fucking magic.

Damn - I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar

I cannot even remember what the hell I was thinking about before this song came on. Seriously always makes me think of you.

Crap! To forget you, I'm going to have to like, stop listening to music.

This is like the fucking Bell Jar.

Like, will this make sense to anyone else?

Will Charlotte understand it? Will Jeff? Will Carl? Will Alice, later?

Will it trigger her?

Obscurity Knocks by Trashcan Sinatras - wow, really feeling this one - picturing the day I sat at the table by the coffee cart and you said you regretted not having a family, and I tried to tell you had better than a family...

Self Esteem by the Offspring

I'm sorry. I didn't know I was using you. Fuck.

OH SHIT. I need to take some B12!!! Like, crap - is this a delusion?

See, this is the part I can't figure out - what is the difference between optimism and delusion? Is it looked at through the lens of people without self-esteem?

OH. When you have no self-esteem, you can't say, "No." Damn.

"No" is the mark of self-esteem. And no, the more you suffer doesn't show you care more! But they meant it in a facetious way!

Who Says by Selena Gomez

Damn, it's a wild ride in here. Poor men. Unless men are like this, too.

I think they are!!! It's actually quite beautiful to see a man feel. Damn, that is a battle worth fighting, for sure.

And, goddammit, Back to You by Selena Gomez.

Wait, where was the voice that wanted to embrace her inner slut? Come back! Come back!!!

!%@#$#@

Can't Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera and Lil' Kim

THIS! I can write about this stuff. Whatever crazy shit comes into my head. Men do it all the time - I wanted to be the first female Hunter S. Thompson, remember? I know it seems sooooooo random, but it really all is me. This is me.

This is so much easier than writing with a third person overlay.

Voices Carry by 'Til Tuesday

Used to listen to this while I walked around campus before seeing you. That's what Venus is Pisces is like. I'm in love with every moment. I was in love the whole time. I like totally couldn't help myself. I KNEW there were things I was doing to condition my mind and I consciously acknowledged the subconscious desire and went through with it, even though my ego was telling me the whole time that I was being a slut or that I was an unloving mother or wife. That is false fucking dichotomy.

Informer by Snow

I am full of goddamn contradictions. I can love two people at the same time. Because I've loved a LOT of people at once. Yes, time is a consideration. However, I need a ton of time to myself. Like, a TON. Or I feel like I am suffocating. So when I spend time with people, I want it to be quality - not full of mundane shit. I want the best soul connection which leaves me feeling excited about the relationship and myself afterward and not drained. That is pretty hard to come by, I've learned over 17 years.

In Repair by John Mayer

Yeah, so I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be, I hope. I think I did have a pretty insane self-critic. I'm still working on things, too. But man, being with you was pure bliss. That time we talked on the phone and you said I could have the job (that was some fuckin' weird karmic lesson - still need to write about all that shit), I sat at the bar at Biaggi's and cried. Maybe you just weren't as excited about that opportunity as I was, but I just really, really wanted to work with you, because I dreamed of making something big with you.

The Future is Female by Madame Gandhi

But I am more than fine by myself. I just want to be the best I can be while I am here. And I want the relationships that will help me do that. And your reluctance to validate my insanity needs to not matter to me anymore. Unless me being in this state and someone gets something out of it helps someone. Because I betcha now that I am aware the extent to which the subconscious associations are with this person, the easier it will be for me to end them.

This is art, right?

Like that new book about Marina Abromavic.

High by Sir Sly

Imagine being able to conceive of every perspective, accept it, and let it go.

So people usually love smoking with me because the conversations are so weird. I wonder if this is weirder, me running open loop. I think I am ordinarily this vulnerable in person - if the thoughts come to me, I say them. But then I can switch perspectives in an instant.

Pretty sweet being an Aquarius, if I do say so.

And having a great vibrator! Carl hid my box of vibrators from the kids a couple of years ago, and then one day when I was vacuuming, after starting my whole daily masturbation thing

WTF. True Disaster by Tove Lo

"C'mon - zero fucks about it, I know I'm gonna get hurt"

"Can you feel that? You feel me?"

Keep Your Head by David O'Dowda

Tuesday nights. Missing the time "alone" with you.

I need to part with this, it is too painful.

I can't be like my mother. Or hers. Pining after a man who can't love.

That was heavy.

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

OK. Now the mood of the song definitely seems to impact my thinking, for sure. Yeah, I need to let this go so I can have that part of my soul back, because I'm not truly free while I let you keep it like I am a fangirl or something. Or a crazy person. And Alice, how you could let yourself get so connected to someone who would ignore you so much.

One More Night by Maroon 5

Yeah, fuck. This. Because I am addicted to the relationship drama. Fuck that. "Try to tell you no, but my body keeps telling you yes." This. Mostly this. That was some powerful juju. I am like not even sure that would still be there if I saw you again, honestly.

OH WOW. Since I just typed that, it's like this layer of anxiety lifted. Whoa. Like, seriously, I don't know if it was all mutated energy from my problems with Carl, which are largely resolved. I mean I always have doubts not because of him, but because I enabled the trauma on some level by not speaking up for myself and believing all the negative things people have told me over the years which weren't true.

Forever Young by Alphaville

Yeah, but I also felt really young and at ease with you. When I was upset, all I had to do was look in your eyes, and I knew everything was going to be ok. That's what I still don't have with Carl, because so many times he made me question whether or not we were on the same team. I didn't think he loved me for years. I wasn't depressed. I was unloved. To receive the kind of love I give was so profound.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At the Disco

Yeah, it was a lot of this for most of my life. You were different.

Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots

And this shit. Like holy moly, I thought I didn't care what people thought, but it's been interesting to push the limits of that and see what happens, exposing a little more of myself bit by bit. It's scary, but so powerful.

I remember the first times I did this was in English class in high school after my rape. It felt so good to be vulnerable with my teacher. I think she got me some counseling. When I told my mom about it a year or two later, she called me a whore. But that's because that's what her father would have done.

Now I have a good friend whose sister was disowned by their Mormon parents because she was raped and left for dead in the desert in California.

Stigma over trauma is sick.

Royals by Lorde

Focus on status is so fucked up. What's important is connection, and freedom.

No Roots by Alice Merton

So, should I be listening to sappy love songs, or empowering songs? Both? Apparently I can make myself believe whatever I feel predominantly.

Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

“she wants to be sculpted by the sculptor”

So trite, right? Pearl fell in love with a sculptor, once.

I think subconsciously I need this karmic cycle to end before the New Year. I need a fresh start. I tore up the contract several times and offered a renegotiation. What'll it be this time? Do you need to know any more about the level of my love?

Your Seasons by David O'Dowda

Yeah, like all this stuff would be better in a journal. This is the level of passion I usually write with. I have years of joy and pain inked into those pages, and you're in two years of it.

So yeah. That's how much I don't know about love. You made very minute feel important.

How Do I Know by Here We Go Magic

Fucking A. Seriously? Yeah, what this guy says. How do I know if I love you? How do I know if I know you? What is the Universe guiding me to? Listening to my freakin' heart! You know what I have told myself, a million times? If we are destined to be in some significant friendship or relationship, the Universe will give me clear signs. And you were the one who made my horoscope "come true." I have like pages and pages and pages of screenshots of our horoscopes so that if I ever write the story I can remember what happened when I put it together with my journal. But all this other magic was happening around me because of it, so I just kept following the signs. And journaling about that stuff, too. It was like as I imagined what was possible for our friendship, my other friendships got better. And theirs got better. It was amazing. Like, I was working on a book the whole time because the whole thing was so unbelievable. So, I guess, kinda what I'm saying is regardless of what you want, I'm gonna have to write this story.

But dang, what man ever apologized for that shit to a female muse?

She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult

Hey, you got to be a muse. So, how was it?

It's almost midnight. New horoscope rolls out in four minutes. Every night for a year, with very few exceptions, I've looked at Sagittarius, Capricorn and Aquarius. And I've watched the earth signs and air signs dynamics on almost all the tarot channels.

And now one of my favorite channels is starting to post a "true stories of the tarot" series, but, like I have been writing that book for the last six months or something. Your behavior was predictable. Do you know that? I mean, not energy-level predictable, because obviously what you offered was waaaaaaaay subtler than what I was hoping for. But all I had to do was look at you with the lens of my father the Cap who has never once said he loves me, and that man set me up to be a real damn good concubine. That's all I gotta say on that matter. Crumbs? Seriously? I'll be happy with crumbs?

The Way it Goes by Kyle Hollingsworth

"That's the way that it goes, everyone knows."

Ghost by Lianne La Haves

Got caught up in the feels. Went to your IG account. Now terrified that I accidentally liked something. OH SHIT

Wait, what am I afraid of? Finding out it was all in my head?

"Round and round we go."

Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

Thanks, Universe. Nice. This is the Universe totally thumbing its nose at me. "Oh, you think you're going to be able to fly so close to the sun and not get burned?"

Ok. In full disclosure, Carl did say that he enjoys what I tell him, after the fact, that he didn't know it was capable of falling in love so deeply.

I am totally not perfect. It's ok. It's ok.

Fight or Flight Club by Madge

Yeah, seriously. Why am I your punching bag, Universe? Holy crap, just scrolled through your IG again, and I didn't accidentally like something. Totally felt like a television show there for a minute. Is that because I watched so much TV when I was a kid?

Pictures of Matchstick Men by Camper Van Beethoven

Shit, I feel crazy. Thank God I didn't like anything. But I see now we have more than one friend in common... and the world is small. And artists can be so mean…

But fuck that. They're just mean when they feel inferior. But maybe, if it is a race to see who is the craziest, then I have won and you all are inferior. Bow down to my crazy.

Yeah, so do I publish this, or send it to Charlotte so someone can see the nuts?

Flaws by Bastille

OH SHIT. I know! I need to know that the other person I am connecting with also believes there is something really out there! I still kind of doubt that Carl really believes. Like maybe he's just along for the ride because he has a type T personality. Like, he's way more intuitive and feeling than many men I have known, including most of his friends. He has definitely encouraged me to think for myself. I just had my own messed up beliefs getting in the way of my self-esteem.

Gasoline by Halsey

Feeling this, for sure. Much rather live it and write it than read about it, though. I like exploring the edge of self. The edge of reality. It's not for the faint of heart, for sure.

Rut by The Killers

Yeah, so is this what you meant by "Artistic Temperament?" Carl and I have talked about this a lot. It's a quality he appreciates in me. So, that's pretty special, I think. But I think he has one, too. I think we are both sensitive to the energies of the planets. And we'd both like to talk with other people who are curious about these things.

Wow, is there going to be an obvious end to this, or am I just going to fall asleep with my head on the keyboard?

Shit.

“I'm handing you a memory

I hope you understand

That steadily reminds you of who I really am”

Whoa. It's about Complex PTSD. Which is what I have. Yep.

Respect by Aretha Franklin

Yes, folks, this is what it is like to have a head with C-PTSD. As long as I can keep my thoughts positive, it's pretty amazing. I have an entire lifestyle built around managing my triggers. And one of them is being told I am crazy. Because C-PTSD is strait-up crazy, if you're living with it in your head. Doesn't matter who I forgive, the trigger remains. I have to be vigilant about avoiding them.

Younger Now by Miley Cyrus

It takes a lot of effort to hide my mental illness. I'm finding that following my heart helps a lot.

Stagnancy is toxic for me. Not getting enough time to myself is another huge trigger. I'm way more likely to participate in self-sabotaging behavior after I've been triggered.

I sorta wish I had put this in my journal, with the new pen Carl got me. Will it be more meaningful if I share it with the world? Do I apologize for my mental illness in my journal ever? I don't think I do. Ultimately I work through the layers and get to an "I AM" place.

Okay, so that's what I have to do here.

Born This Way by Lady Gaga

Well, I was not expecting that. The answer is just that I was born this way. I am the possession of my natal chart. I am exactly the weird paranoid slut who got married too early my natal chart says I am. I love the occult, I love deeply, I am a diligent worker, I'm really creative, broad thinking, and I want to help society. I was totally born to be an artist, as the temperament was built right in. Dang, astrology and tarot are so helpful. Seriously. I will draw tarot to figure out what to do with this writing, and I will feel fine about it. Might have to smoke a little and ride it out, but the world will go on, and I will have gotten it out of my system, and maybe it will help someone. I'm on the right track, baby. I was born to be brave.

My eyes are open, Universe. What are you telling me?

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2

Did I tell you I figured out that reading and watching hero journeys and listening to music helps me go through karmic cycling faster?

Actually, I did. I'm just looking for people to have fun with now. I can't tell if you're still that person.

Goodbye Echosmith

Because seriously, I have like no idea what is going on with you anymore. And that's an important part of a friendship or relationship to me, and it was my favorite part of our friendship was seeing you and knowing that you

I don't know.

Exist?

That you know how to have fun without controlling people. But do you, though?

Or is it that I don't know how to not let myself be controlled? How do I learn this?! This is what I need to learn - maybe that is what I am supposed to look for in the subconscious?

So I am basically channeling right now, I think. My high has kind of worn off. I know I went through some pretty significant vulnerability back there. Dang I was always so worried you would read my journal when we were at school. There was one time where I was writing about how Carl figured out he likes it when other men give me attention and you totally caught me off guard and probably all the color drained out of my face. We had so much fun traveling in Europe. I totally want to go back. I'd love to go live in the Mediterranean for a couple of months. The art galleries were so amazing. I felt so inspired.

And I've always wanted to see your posters. Just like the Dada song from the album in the 1990's.

But maybe I just want that experience with someone.

How do I know if I want to have that experience with you, if you won't even share yourself with me?

Run the World by Beyonce

I'm sure this companion can find someone to go to Europe with.

<Couple more tokes>

Wouldn't mind feeling you.

How's the ride?

Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Don't you like to share?

Bob Marley and I share a birthday, yeah.

Yeah, nobody knows who Jeff is or even if he is real. Every man out there is hoping he's Jeff.

Hoping a woman would spend two years lusting after him. That's some serious dedication. I certainly had bigger things to accomplish while feeding that wolf. Was it all just for sex?

And I may never get to know what that's like. Except in all those times in my fantasies. You were good. Way better than my friends said you'd be.

Oh shit, this is what we talked about. To write or not to write. 3:1 artists say yes, but two of them say it will make it worse rather than help me let go.

But I'm writing it in my head all the time, so why not in my book. Why not.

Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

Heck yeah. The supply closet. Or sometimes just on those work tables. Ever wonder if anyone did it there?

OMG. The goldfish. You know it was like the world melted away when you reached around me, and it was just the two of us sliding our fingers through the wet plaster together. I can still feel it.

And when I saw you opened the plaster cast of my hand, first.

And when you talked about the curves in my alabaster sculpture.

And when you talked about how making art is like falling in love.

And I fell in love over and over and over again over two years.

So yeah. Not talking to you is like you died, and I'm grieving.

Which is a confusing feeling.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

Yeah, I'm feeling some major heartache. It's been like sooooooooooo Three of Swords over here.

I don't know if you read tarot, but shit. It's heavy over here.

Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani

Ok. I pulled some tarot for this shit, like I always do. I get the feeling you don't care about me mucking around in your energy, because I think you would find a way to communicate that to me.

Hit That by The Offspring

This is a badass spread. I'll take a picture. If you send me a fucking email, I'll send you the picture of the spread. Past, Present, Future, you and me.

Company by Tinashe

Were you really flattered? Because this is an energy I'm totally still feeling. You're the only guy I've been willing to consider having just a sexual relationship with, because you're just easy to be with in any way, so I'm guessing you're the same way sexually, which is, well, really hot. You could say you had it all. No strings. But you gotta be able to communicate.

Dang, what else haven't I said already?

Hurricane by MSMR

God, every damn song. Serioiusly. Like every one. I could stab out my ear drums to forget, but the songs play on a loop in my head. So yeah, this is like some seriously heavy love I have, and I still don't know why. Because I really, really do like myself quite a bit.

Is it because I read that relationship page for us in Goldschneider's book and it said I would be like this? Can I just not be like this? I mean Carl is being less possessive and controlling.

Salute by Little Mix

Maybe I can decide not to be interested in you? I mean, the last smoke signal was pretty freakin' adorable. The last two, okay? You know how I love the rabbit. The synchronicity there!! Low poly animals, 3D printing, I mean, fuck! We'd make such an awesome team. I have so many ideas, but am so limited in spreading them because I'm an outsider in the art community. I'm willing to do ANYTHING. That should be pretty clear.

Spirits by The Strumbella

I have the ghosts of all these dreams in my head. And then when I let you go, when I realized it was just feelings I had with you that I wanted to feel, the Universe brought me Campbell. And he was willing to offer everything I wanted and more. But things weren't okay with Carl then.

You know in this psychic book it says that Carl Sagan believed that human thought can influence random number generators? My Spotify is on shuffle.

Olly by Cape Francis

I just had this thought before this song started. How long were you with this other person you told me "it wasn't going anywhere" with? What does that even mean? Friends with benefits? I can do that. I can do more. Where do we go from here?

I can't make this shit up.

How many times, my friends could tell you, mouths agape, that I cannot make this shit up.

What have I done?

Too Far Gone by Sir Sly

Yeah, you saw me writing these lyrics in my journal. Back then it was depression I was writing about. But I'm feeling this.

This would have been better as a smoke sesh.

For me, anyway.

Maybe not for the world.

Maybe this is what I have to offer. The chance to feel? Holy crap, for years I didn't even FEEL. I am not even kidding. THAT'S when I was crazy. Now I'm totally sane. Living dead inside is the worst. Thank you for waking me up. I feel deeply. I feel constantly. I feel passionately. Why would I want to be the other way again? The “Artistic Temperament” is an amazing gift.

Growing Pains by David O'Dowda

I need to be with someone who really gets this, if I am going to be happy. Or I need to be on my own.

Tainted Love by Soft Cell

Yeah, but this. Is this ego? It's so negative.

Woman by Kesha

"Aquarius Chattylove - Astrolis App - Saturday December 29 - As much as you'd like to keep the peace and not rock any emotional boats at this time, you may have to confront some intense feelings. Be willing to focus on what feels right for you now because your heart needs to have its agenda clear before you can focus on someone else's needs. (Damn, this is exactly what I told Campbell and how I missed out on that opportunity, and he told me to forget about you, and I should have listened). Open your heart and summon gratitude for what you have to be grateful for now, because doing so is the first step to feeling alive and loved."

"Capricorn Chattylove - Astrolis App - Whether it's your emotions that are going into overdrive or those of someone close, plenty of vulnerability and sensitivity seem to be permeating your emotional world now. Fortunately, you can blend logic and compassion to come up with the right words of wisdom and help sooth your inner tension or make a loved one feel loved and supported. Indulging in a bit more self-care can help you be the best you can possibly be - regarding summoning inner strength where you need it and being there for someone close who needs you."

"This week: Ending Friday, January 4"

"When you do allow others to experience your clever wit and lighthearted side, you can make them laugh from deep within. That's a skill you're encouraged to make better use of this week. It's by adopting a more jovial attitude that can bring a restorative vibe to affairs of the heart. What is it they say about laughter being a powerful aphrodisiac? If you haven't tested that theory, then you could have a chance to do so shortly."

"Capricorn Daily - Saturday, December 29 - A sense of restriction could be intensifying and affect more than one area of your world at this time. You appear keen to get something underway but are presented with a long list of reasons why you can't throw yourself into your plan with the level o..."

Changing by John Mayer

:)

"I'm still changing, and I can't change my ways."

"I see the sky changing, and it reminds me of my changing."

Why do I keep doing this? I feel like there must be a really important reason. I'm supposed to learn something, and I don't know what that is.

Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Ok. I don't wish I was dead. And, I really don't know if nobody compares to you. LOL And that makes all the stuff about true love a little corny.

OK. My Saggie horoscope said I need to streamline this in a major way. So maybe I just pick one song.

Or some tarot cards. Maybe I just post the spread on Instagram.

OMG. What about one of those "I like you. Would you like to share any of these experiences with me? Kind of notes, with check boxes. That would be so funny. I could put like, "Sex, The Tantra, Meditation. Cannabis. Other Drugs. Art. Writing. Music. Modeling. Other playtime. I may be a mother, but I fought hard for my freedom, and so I want to use it in the way that aligns best with my life purpose, which is those things. If you're willing to have a vasectomy and you don't have an STD, you get extra points and playtime."

Oh yeah, word.

Long Way Down by Robert DeLong

Love this song. Best song. You wanna feel this together?

BTW, your blurry selfie is adorable. And I love you in that sweater. I just want to wrap myself around you like a blanket.

And, this is the end because it's 2:15 AM and Bad Liar by Selena Gomez is on, and that's still the fucking song. It's still the fucking song.

I have been writing and thinking about you forever.

Teeny bopper music. God dammit. You're like a fucking mind virus. Fucking Venus in Pisces. I promise I won't get attached. Can I promise this? I think I'm worried I can't. I mean, yeah, I think I have a fear of becoming attached and then getting hurt. Like having my soul sucked out. Because that happened a lot!

Yeah, that's totally my fear.

But I really don't need another person to be worrying about. I just need to worry about myself.

Odd One by Sick Puppies

I hope I'll be able to laugh about it one day. I mean, I thought I was able to laugh about it around Thanksgiving. Then I don't know what happened. WTF happened? How did I get attached again?

Because I let myself write myself back into it. I'm feeding this wolf, totally. I could have written without music, which I usually do.

Maybe this will be a good process of letting go? The ball is definitely in his court. No need for me to do anything else.

Except

Is This All There Is by Starflyer 69

Yeah, this is the question you asked me. Is this all there is? And I thought, with you around, who needs anything else? We do need others. Life is about more than being alone.

Look at me, getting insane, listening to all the voices in my head. Being with friends always helps quiet this voice. Because I realize that it's all about time with my GOOD friends. And I considered you one.