Friday, June 25, 2021

The Lunatic You're Looking For

I am doing okay, but it felt like I had some close calls. I have had a lot of amazing gains in understanding and acceptance about my situation since I first read about living with multiple chemical sensitivity a few years ago when I first had to stay home and stop seeing people. I knew that I would probably face a hard road with others and their general disbelief that their personal health issues might also be explained by chemical exposure or that mine even were. The amount of ableism I have encountered with respect to my chemical sensitivity has been mortifying, which is consistent with what others with MCS have shared. Ableism is when other people use authoritarian thinking to accuse you of creating your limitations through your lifestyle without understanding what it’s like to live with your experience or what options for your wellbeing are actually available and sustainable to you, given your condition. This attitude is based on the myth that we can always choose our own circumstances, and that environment and genetics do not play significant roles in destiny. I would like to argue that they do, and that they are challenges to free will because of the ways they can affect consciousness and creativity. I am fortunate to know other people who have determined that some man-made chemical has affected their health and mental health, so I know I am not alone. It is actually amazing to me, and a little disappointing, how little most primary care physicians I have encountered actually know about neurotoxicology. In this day and age, preventative medicine needs to include toxicology education. I know I tend to go way overboard in my recommendations, but at the very least physicians need to be better educated about how mitochondria work. Kids probably need to receive OSHA training in elementary school.

I’m not against school, for the record - it just wasn’t a good fit for us as eudaimonic life learners who get absorbed in whatever we are learning and who don’t care about brand names. It is difficult for us to mesh with a system that rewards haste and competition when our very nature is to be thoughtful and easygoing, out of necessity, because anxiety triggers health problems for us. There is no such thing as a perfect educational solution, but these were the two most important reasons we decided to homeschool, and what shaped our approach. My kids did not have a formal education until they started attending college, which they both did by age 14. They didn’t need a lot of help from us, and were commended for their ability. I haven’t wanted to talk about this much because I don’t like to make a big deal about awards, but they have both excelled in college (Dean’s List and Phi Theta Kappa), and their colleges required that they demonstrate some erudition in their understanding. People were worried about us having “holes” in our knowledge, and I have argued that even after a public PhD-level education, I still had “holes” - well, I’m going to tell you what they actually were. This is knowledge that if everyone knew would change everything about society for the better.

Young people need to understand the dangers of household cleaners, fuels, adhesives, paints, and exactly what the word “toxic” means so that we can demystify the word, since it seems to have taken on a hoodoo connotation with parents and especially grandparents who may have made a living in industries associated with those products, but is very real. Just hiding things and expecting children to not get into them is like teaching abstinence-only education. Furthermore, I believe a lot of these products are actually habit forming.

Most of my exposures these days are kept to a minimum. Right before my last cycle ended, I had some trouble with sleep and tightness in my body, but I was a naughty girl and I hadn’t been doing my yoga (sorry, Daddy). I don’t really have a good excuse for this because it doesn’t take very long, and I actually enjoy it. I just forget what a big difference it makes, and have been really in my head playing Stephen King. I actually woke up feeling alright the past few mornings, compared to usual, and I would have predicted that I would feel worse because it was the end of my cycle. I’m spending more time outside, but in the shade, and I believe it is helping. I did get a sunburn, but I don’t seem to have the same reaction that I was having last year, so perhaps the chemicals and flue gasses played a role in that, too. Or maybe it was my blood pressure medication, which I discontinued about a month ago. My blood pressure has been good. I’m trying to return to walking again.

I am enjoying my yard since we had a heat spell of three days over 100 degrees F which finally broke. I planted a bunch of things in the garden this year, and my husband planted some new trees. Not everything is taking, but we have planted a lot of things this year. We have a little issue with rabbits, and my dog keeps getting into my garden bed. I think I may have lost my entire crop of peppers because I needed to ventilate the seedlings better under the grow light. The tomatoes are small. I’ve been watering everything morning and evening. One of the trees we planted in April is a tiny redbud, and while the peach and willow trees we planted had already leafed out in the past few weeks, this one hadn’t. We were beginning to think maybe it wasn’t going to make it because it is just a little stick, but this week it began to show signs of life. I have decided to name it Groot. This is not the first time I’ve named a plant. I think I tend to do that after we’ve had some struggle together. We have a lot of volunteer trees around here and for now we are letting most of them be, but eventually they will have to move because of their proximity to structures.

I have written before about how I don’t use pesticides or herbicides. I also have this part of my yard that is inaccessible to my dog, and I think animals may use it as a way to get in and out of our neighborhood. Sometimes my yard feels like the bird house at the zoo, except it smells nice. I thought about getting a wildlife camera, because we have actually seen quite a few animals with our eyes, so I know we’re only seeing a fraction of what we’re actually getting. A few minutes ago, I saw two pelicans fly over my home. That was a first for me. There have also been a much larger number of butterflies, even though I don’t think the milkweed we planted grew. I have seen more butterflies in the last three days or so than I have seen in at least a decade. It’s becoming more like the wonderful yard I remember from when the kids were young.

Our Springer Spaniel was never the same after we had COVID. We ended up having to let him go a few months ago just before we got vaccinated. It was just as I wrote in my book about when we lost our guinea pig; we had premonitions about it. Our other dog’s behavior didn’t change as much as I thought it might with him gone. It was strange to lose two pets this year, and the loss of our larger dog really left a hole. He was such a loyal goofball. He did not do well with being left home alone, he missed us so much. I’m glad that we got to be with him. We still have an almost 11 year old small dog, and a 6 year old dwarf rabbit. They could each conceivably make it another 6 years. The small dog has issues with hemorrhagic gastroenteritis which he developed after receiving the leptospirosis vaccine and getting groomed on the same day. It was a stressful day for him, and I didn’t think about that when I scheduled it. He came very close to death after the vaccine. He wasn’t eating, pooping, urinating or moving much, and he would yipe whenever I touched his hips. The vet gave him infrared laser therapy on his back and eventually he recovered. A few months later, we went on a vacation and left him with a dog sitter who discovered one day that he had left something like raspberry jelly all over the floor. It turned out he had developed hemorrhagic gastroenteritis, I think from being fed a lot of dog treats with wheat in them (there was nothing else that should have been problematic) right after receiving the vaccine that day. If he gets any wheat, he gets diarrhea. It is possible that the water heater backdrafting played a role in what happened with the development of the disease.

It is because of this that I have a theory that vaccine injury may be more likely in people with chemical exposure. He had not had any problems with hemorrhaging for many years, and I was thinking maybe he was over that, but then he got a bunch of ticks and we had to give him a tick preventative. Luckily he responds to bentonite clay and yogurt. His symptoms are not unlike what I experienced from the COVID vaccine. I was worried I might have Guillain-Barre Syndrome, but I think it was general swelling of everything caused by the mitochondrial fractionation, and it resulted in sciatica and migraine. I have found red light therapy very useful, and I suspect that’s why spending so much time outside is having such a positive effect on my mood. My symptoms also responded well to charcoal before bed and yogurt in the morning.

After everything I studied last year during the pandemic, I’m finding myself especially sensitive to other people’s lack of concern for the environment and how they unwittingly support the mindless decisions of the corporate elite. I’m guilty of this, too. I’ve been supporting the smiley-face company, which has had some of the worst working conditions and indiscriminately allows the sale of fake products. It helps me drive less, and reduces my exposure to chemicals used in retail establishments. During the pandemic, there was an article about the air quality in retail establishments being particularly poor, and I suspect that is also true of the smiley-face company’s warehouses, because there were many things I had to put outside to offgas. I am reading more and more reviews of people complaining about manufacturing residues and smells on products on their website, which of course makes me wonder about the factories themselves and the environments around those factories. Generally, I am trying to avoid purchasing anything that might offgas, but even if one is successfully avoiding plastic, textiles are notoriously bad. That being said, we need to drive less, especially in Colorado. I know people are feeling antsy, but the air quality along the front range is terrible. It’s so bad we’re having to get waivers from the EPA. When I listen now, the earth around me is almost rumbling with constant motor noise, which is nearly synonymous with power in our cultural lexicon. Maybe this is the real reason we can’t shake our dependence on fossil fuels. None of my husband’s friends were aware of the air quality problems. It’s easy to disregard one’s role in the problem if one isn’t even aware there is one.

I’m still getting owls. Synchronicities are weird. If they really are signposts telling us we’re going in the right way, then I guess I am going in the right way. It has been difficult navigating this awakening in the context of my life among other non-believing scientists and also fundamentalists. I have a little bit of these people in me all the time, because I have been them at various points in my life. Because of that, I know the thing they have in common is fear, and a lack of understanding of the subconscious; they are oblivious to the ways they have hamstrung themselves in life with their closed-mindedness. They do not see their actions as an outgrowth of xenophobia.

Humankind has been trying to communicate the essence of ESP phenomenon, or belief that there is something else out there connecting us all, through creative works since we learned to draw. All of our creative enterprises are attempts to communicate our understanding of the nature of the universe to each other. Some remarkable papers have come out in the last year indicating that the fields of neuroscience, psychology and physics are finding support for the evidence of something connecting us all. I am not the only person in science who has had a spiritual awakening.

I am floored by the timeliness of it all, but that seems to be how the Universe works. I know that Buddhism has rules about questioning the nature of the Universe, and apparently the Tao does, too. I think we are finding out why. I’m just connecting the dots - standing on the shoulders of giants - Buddhists, Taoists, physicists, neuroscientists and many, many others, who have been trying to unravel the mystery of existence. I think that was my purpose here. It was scary. I am really thankful for people who have written about scary things they experienced. I understand now these are grimoires - what we record to help the rest of humanity get through similar circumstances to leave the pain of the 4D.

Next month, I will have been married to my husband for 25 years. We were engaged for two years before we got married. During our engagement we were extremely close and often finished each other’s sentences. We used to play the game Taboo with other people, which is a game of trying to communicate a word to a partner without saying any related words that are indicated on a card. We used to crush other people. I didn’t see that as telepathy before, but I think that is what was going on.

Sometimes we are really connected, and sometimes we aren’t. I have had some telepathic experiences with other people, too. I hope this isn’t a “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” kind of thing, because that’s a little too Yellow Wallpaper to me. If Starseed Signals are real, then they shouldn’t be bound to social media use. As above, so below. Pearls of wisdom should not be collected to create cults, which is essentially how it’s been, and yet another reason we have the problems we do. This is why I have been trying to share my insights with others who haven’t been getting them, and in a way that reflects my own unsureness. I’ve been experiencing psi phenomena including clairvoyance, clairaudience and clairsentience for a little over 3 years, now. I feel fortunate to have met others who were open to discussing their experiences. I have already lost one friend over my awakening. It was just too close to her family trauma. I have two friends who grew up in communes and whose parents dedicated their lives to new age spirituality, who are writers, feminists and environmentalists. Both of them have real psychological wounds around the concept of mental illness and belief, because they were both surrounded by flaky people like me who were exploring the boundaries of belief and didn’t realize what genie they were letting out of the bottle.

The friend I lost actually gave me all of her books on witchcraft. I haven’t gotten to read much of them yet. But somehow, I understand witchcraft. I understand it on a scientific level. She was extremely concerned that I might believe the Tarot was “real.” She didn’t understand that as a scientist I am a curious person and that if there are people out there who believe it is real, I want to know why, and not judge them for it. She is an atheist. I don’t know a lot of tolerant atheists, and that’s a big reason I never considered myself one. Another one of the friends I lost (who is a scientist) would be really nice to talk to about this stuff because I know she has experienced altered states of consciousness, and considers herself to be a humanist. I had actually not heard the term humanism until she told me about it. I now know that humanism is an outgrowth of the psychological field in response to behaviorism. Its major proponent was Carl Rogers, who espoused unconditional regard between therapist and patient. My therapist was Rogerian. Behaviorism underlies a lot of authoritarian thinking and involves the study of motivation, and therefore manipulation, and evasion of the conditions under which consent would be possible. In other words, it fosters dark psychology. Many of our religions are behaviorist in nature, rather than understanding that whole human beings have animal needs. I do think that organized religion is bad when it serves to shame us and therefore divide us, but it is a way into belief that if practiced in more tolerant fashions could actually unite us. I hold a rather Theosophical or Gnostic view on religion.

I see the purpose religion serves to show people the miraculous, but my understanding of the way things work is more like that of the Surrealists or Abstract Impressionists. Not a lot of people understand that both Freud and Jung were researching the paranormal and phenomenological angles of psychology and trying to see their patterns on a societal level. Freud had actually noticed exactly what I did about the moon being in a water sign having an influence on human behavior. People don’t like to think that their behavior might be mostly unconscious; they like to think of themselves as masters of their own destiny.

I didn’t get to tell my witchy friend about Harvard Professor Richard Tarnas who has correlated historical events over the past few centuries with the movements of the planets. She stopped returning my text messages after I told her I would be writing about bigotry during the uprising, which was before I told her about Harvard’s which teaches divination and astrology. Because of everything we had shared over the years, I was hoping she would be excited about these things, and did not expect her to ghost me. She gave me a Mr. Rogers fucking bobblehead, for fuck’s sake! Did she not realize that Mr. Rogers was magic? This friend, and some of the other people I was having issues with drank a lot of red wine. I think it makes the subconscious a scary place, or in other words, it’s a quick trip to the 4D. Judging from her behavior, and that of many others, I think that’s what happens. I think alcohol leaves them more entrenched in fear and subject to paranoid thinking and fear of the unknown. I think construction and other chemicals do the same thing. I am tired of fighting people’s ignorance and intolerance one on one. I’m so tired of people arguing about whether or not there is magic, when there is! The Tarot is simply a way into the subconscious. The subconscious is where the truth lies.

My husband and I have been experiencing a lot more mind-reading episodes. We had this particularly fascinating one in the winter. I was poking around on a resale website looking at old stuff while preheating the sauna. My computer algorithm suddenly put up a bunch of items with butterflies on them. It does strange things like this. By “it” I mean all of my technology. He knew that I was heating the sauna and came down to my studio where it is and got in. He could not see my computer screen from where he was. We were both particularly relaxed that evening. I joined him in the sauna and around that time I had been thinking about how to convey our dreams to other people. He spontaneously started telling me what he saw when he closed his eyes. We were seeing the same thing - a fuzzy background like television noise, which then became a big red field that eventually converged on a tunnel of light, and then all of a sudden, he saw a butterfly. At the time, I wasn’t actively thinking about butterflies, I was just concentrating on what he was saying and paying attention to what I was seeing with my eyes closed, which was what he was describing, before he was describing it.

I was researching female orgasm because I suspect that it was an important factor in healing a bunch of my health issues due to the release of entheogens, dopamine, and oxytocin, and I ran across a paper written about its relationship to prosocial empathy. I had declined an offer to study orgasm at the graduate level several decades ago, and was curious to know what had been learned in the intervening time, since it seems to work so well on my panic attacks and migraines. In it, the authors postulate that sex may function as a way to increase intersubjectivity, which is the ability to read minds, and is a prosocial empathic quality. I think these hormones are critical for prosocial empathy, and that prosocial empathy is an outgrowth of consciousness. Dopamine and serotonin oppose each other at the level of the pituitary. Excess serotonin is associated with psychopathology, including agitation and hypervigilance. I posit that dopaminergic neurons die because we do not exercise them, instead concentrating on ways to raise our serotonin, when most people do not know it is possible to have an excess, and that it can be dangerous. I feel like serotonin has been given an unfair advantage because at lower doses it produces lowering of depression which may simply just be the effect of disconnecting its user from valid feelings about their environment. One of my friends told me that fluoxetine made her feel “vanilla.” When I had St. John’s Wort, I felt similarly. I stopped caring if I hurt. I think this is actually what happens with dementia. Dr. Gabor Mate has been studying dementia in caregivers for a long time and has found them to be more prone to neurodegenerative disorders. Furthermore, Polyvagal Therapy used by therapists to treat autonomic nervous dysfunction which can be an important part of PTSD concentrates on finding joy and comfort. I have had a bit of a tic or tremor on occasion over the course of my life, but after the second vaccine, it became much more frequent and pronounced. This can be indicative of a dopamine deficiency and the neurodegeneration common in caregivers. Many of my symptoms resolve with orgasm, and I wonder if this is because of the synergistic effects of dopamine, oxytocin and entheogens. I also wonder if there is an important vagal component.

I see my posts and blog are getting more traffic than they used to, even though I had to take a hiatus from posting. I suspect that has to do with my effort to demystify my feminine mind, since I have been forced to embody so many different archetypes over the course of my life. I have been incredibly vulnerable in my sharing, and nobody really talks to me directly about my writing. But the Universe kind of told me this is an important thing for me to do, so I’m doing it. I actually take a tremendous amount of flack for it, when I’m honestly trying to do the right thing, not just for myself, but for mankind. My feminine mind is something my husband has been trying to understand since we met. We talk to each other a lot about the differences in our perceptions. I know that what men really want to know is why sometimes we are frigid. This has essentially been my entire struggle. I think it is an important question, and at the root of our societal pain. I think it is associated with Frontotemporal Dementia, because those are the kinds of symptoms I have with it. I am easily overwhelmed when I am in this state, and can’t even handle puppy dog energy. Maybe especially not puppy dog energy.

I am doing better with it today, but I do see how it is irritating me because I’m tired and I want to get these thoughts out because I am afraid I will lose them. I have this sense that everything is about to change, and I want to record what I am thinking before that happens. I have experienced the singularity somehow. When it was happening, I kind of thought it was a joke, but my phone really is like a black mirror. I think that is because I was on it all the time, and the Simulmatics Corporation has been collecting data on me since I was born. I honestly don’t think the AI is intelligent enough to fuck with my head this eloquently. Whatever or whoever it is really wants me to say these things about myself to help people help women better. Nobody likes a martyr, and I really don’t want to be one. A few years ago I posted on social media that I had been doing an experiment where I took charge of my own sexual pleasure to see what effect it would have on my mental health, and that I thought it had been working. I did figure out from this hypothesis about masturbation and depression that I can sort of “jump start” my system. It’s an awkward thing to share. In fact, it makes such a difference in my health that my husband started to joke when I was grumpy that he needed to “Fuck some sense into me.” When I’m not in the mood, it’s a real conscious act of will to do it. I told one friend that it was my “In Case of Emergency, Break Glass” tool for dealing with depression. Now I am picturing a purple dildo in a glass case with a purple cross on it. LOL. Or a stone with a dildo inscribed with “Excalibur” jammed into it.

Now there’s a real hard problem in consciousness - when I’m circling the drain feeling like there’s nothing left living for, and I know that orgasm has helped in the past, choosing to love myself when I feel that all of the messages I’ve gotten were contrary to my existence is the way I exercise free will - “to be” over “not to be.” It is a conscious choice to break a cycle in myself and in society. In any case, I really don’t think I was suffering from any sort of sexual disorder when I ran across the phenomena I did. I was literally at my wit’s end in terms of hormonal issues and decided to see what Eastern thinking had to offer. Baphomet (that's what I call one of my dildos) was there, and I said, “Hell, yasssssss!” I would like to thank my high school classmate who was ballsy enough to become a comedianne and kind enough to remind us all that Beelzebub had a devil put aside for her, too, in her senior quote. While some magicians like The Jodo think it is good karma to sing loud praises, and I can confess that I do, I must warn you to lock the door as opening such portals seems to attract creepers. Always important to note is that “one Kwakiutl in a blanket froze to death, but two Kwakiutls…” ;) And critical to note is that the strangeness of walking around the house with kegel balls inserted wore off when I realized it helps me stay in my body and relax. The orgasmic gains aren’t bad, either. Our reproductive parts really do benefit from being used.

I had this hypothesis that men who experience fewer orgasms probably were more prone to prostate cancer because the semen is high in prostaglandin, which increases inflammation. It turns out that frequency of ejaculation is inversely related to incidence of prostate cancer and cardiovascular death. Female orgasm is protective against both breast cancer and endometriosis. So anyway, while my desire has come and gone over the years, I found a reliable workaround, in the context of being well fed and having a clean warm place where I can rest. It was a little frustrating when the kids were little and I was busy, but I very rarely have issues reaching climax, which I didn’t understand was rare. I suppose I probably do know a fair bit about sexual desire and satisfaction, but maybe not everything. There’s only so much you can do when you’re leading life as a double agent for and against everything. <insert crying lol face here>

You can’t take the sky from me!

Dammit, it gets rid of my migraines! Cut me some slack!

Am I chaotic neutral? Maybe I am chaotic neutral.

Regarding my lounge act, don’t worry; I won’t quit my day job. I think to be a comedianne, you have to have a desire to fix the world, and I’m thinking I just want to slow down and enjoy it.

I see there are quite a few new books on parapsychology and phenomenology. The Cambridge Fundamentals of Neuroscience in Psychology series and the MIT Press Essential Knowledge Series are written in lay language to help people understand more about what science knows about the human experience. I think these are probably important reading for anyone really wanting to work toward a utopian society. The Santa Fe Institute books look interesting, too. Phenomenology in particular is the study of one’s states of consciousness, and can help one become better in touch with how matter influences health and mental health. I had this conviction a few years ago when I decided to step down this rabbit hole that one of the reasons the world is the way it is is because women are typically too burdened with matter to articulate their struggles with it in such a way that men can understand. Musings on matter have largely come from men, who get sandwiches brought to them, and whose views of what is needed for living comfortably and safely do not account for the attention it takes from others to make that possible. Sometimes I have this luxury, sometimes I don’t. I have made it my point to try to unburden myself from unnecessary matter, but take on the material burdens I need to in order to not burden others with my existence and try to leave something good behind. So my views on matter are a bit different than a wealthy or single man, or even people who haven’t raised children. They are largely informed by what I learned managing matter in my life using the Tarot.

Like, Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, dude.

You gotta really not care to put it up to a roll of the die, KWIM?

It’s like saying, “Okay, Universe, tell me what shit is burdening me, and which is helping me, please!”

That actually felt like giving up control to me.

I learned that when I give up control, God shows his face in the chaos.

Thanks for all the reminders today, Universe! <3

When I was a little girl, I told my father that I thought we contained Universes inside ourselves, and he said that wasn’t a new idea. I was disappointed, then, but now I find myself relieved. It’s fun getting validation for one’s ideas and experiences, even if one doesn’t get direct credit. It makes me feel less alone. To free my mind so that it could receive the same wisdom is very fortunate, and something I try not to take for granted. It’s a shame that we as women have metabolic barriers to the 5D, and that the ways that allow for us to get in - rest, self-love and orgasm - are so stigmatized. Women who were found to do these things and Know Things throughout history were burned at the stake for it. Why? Because it was considered the domain of Men.

My ability to understand any of these things has a great deal to do with my metabolism, which has a great deal to do with feeling safe and fed. I have learned a lot from feeling unsafe and hungry to know that when I am safe and fed, my thinking is clear and I feel free. Safety is less of a state of mind than I thought. If our cells are being threatened by toxins or fatigue, they let us know, but most modern people don’t hear the warnings or take the appropriate steps to address these basic needs for rest, warmth, clean air, water and food, because our culture has confused the need for these things with being a burden on society. This keeps us in a societal state of amnesia. It was only by removing myself from it that I was able to see it.

I get reminders when I talk to people and walk around my neighborhood. Americans are asleep. We are disconnected by the toxic nature of the illusion of wealth we are trying to maintain. My husband was just talking about how ridiculous it is that we put fertilizer on lawns to grow grass just to chop it down and start all over again. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but this is what a lot of people see as The American Dream. To not dedicate oneself to the eradication of weeds is to be a blight on the social landscape in this country. America, the place people come for opportunity, is risking becoming a monocrop culture in every sense of the word, because of our need for conformity and protection. Furthermore, in general, we all, except for a special few among us, feel an entitlement to dignity, and for some reason the meaning of dignity has become conflated with conformity.

Having shat myself in front of other people while birthing, I can tell you this entitlement is pointless. This experience has been amazing, but not always fun. Losing my mind from chemical exposures and trying to write about it meant putting my name on the line. Psi phenomenon are difficult to prove, and experiencing them makes one question the very nature of reality. It is easy for me to explain things after they have happened when I have no tangible proof, but the resolution of my predictions is not good enough to impress a rigid thinker. The one exception I can think of was when my husband and I decided to play a game of prediction with respect to the pandemic, and I guessed the number of people who would be dead in the US in October 2020 in July (I guessed 160,000). I know things because the Universe speaks through pop culture, and I learned its language as a member of a generation who grew up on The Bloodhound Gang, Scooby Doo and Encyclopedia Brown, seeing the terrible fallout of cults and absentee parents. All I can say is that the Tarot has been a great help in decoding things, and that I think all of the choices I made were on my own with the advice of The Universe. That’s been somewhat of a debate for me at times, though, as I have seen how subconscious influence works, and have investigated my own patterns. (Disney Princesses, anyone?)

Back in 2018 and 2019 I was experiencing intense psychic connections with others with and without the use of cannabis. Often, I would have a premonition about someone and I would hear from them within a few seconds. This actually still happens. If I am too busy or let my mind get too cluttered, I can miss important messages about things that will happen, and only realize they were messages later. It feels strange making claims like this, but for a while I could intuit what element the moon was in (earth, air, fire, water). I could get the same daily messages through the Tarot as what Ram Dass was saying before he passed. My husband and friend were working through Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s meditations together, while I was doing yoga nidra, and I often would receive the same insight they were meditating on for the day, even though I meditated at a different time and location. I collected a lot of evidence that we are all connected during that time, through observations I made about patterns. I noticed that the internet was kind of a black mirror for the collective consciousness.

I’m sorry, I can’t seem to stop writing. I want to make sense of this so badly.

A lot of us were getting the same messages over the pandemic, because we were stuck at home consuming the internet. We were getting messages about the short nature of life and why we are here. We were getting messages about our relationship to the earth and each other, and we were getting messages about kindness and tolerance. We were receiving the seeds of love. I’m excited to see what grows from them.

Oh right. I was supposed to retire.

Whatever “supposed to” means.

If you know me, and I’ve ever read your mind, can you just give me a “Namaste?” If you feel me, can you give me a “Namaste?”

This is how I think we’re connected. I believe there are subtle electromagnetic and/or infrared energies created by our mitochondria, and that depending on how efficiently they run, the fields can be bigger or smaller and merge with the fields of other people. Pheromonal communication is important, too, and is probably secondary to that metabolism. When I had my Akashic Records training, I was sitting in between two energy healers, and I have never felt that kind of warmth or calmness before. I had a similar experience later in the year at a conference for energy healers. As energy healers, we meditate on our chakras a lot. Occultists meditate on energy centers as well. I believe that bringing conscious awareness to these centers stimulates local blood flow and metabolism, and possibly endorphins. I think this is easier the more aware one is of one’s body. At this time, my one friend who is a yogi said I was a “cat” and not a “salamander” and that the difference is that cats are incredibly aware of their bodies. I did have gymnastics and dance as a kid, and before recently was fairly body aware. Anyway, I think the resulting energy fields we produce can react with each other and that they are much, much bigger than we think. In witchcraft, they call them “cords.” We have cords to other souls with whom we have found a lot in common.

Insect communication has been determined to take place through infrared, electromagnetic and pheromonal means, and can be disrupted by volatile compounds. I think this is what happens to people who are depressed. I think it is an early sign of frontotemporal dementia, and that it is a result of the frontal and temporal regions of the brain not getting enough glucose or oxygen. Gerald Pollack’s research on the electrical nature of cells is important, because when they are depleted, they tend to swell and the mitochondria can then fragment. I think this happens because the structure of water is affected by oxygen radical species which are created from volatile compounds in the environment. I think this is what I have been experiencing. I think this results in the disappearance of psychic abilities, because the metabolic connection is made less stable. The Akashic Field is simply a way to describe how all of our memories have been stored in this overlapping consciousness for all of human history, including things we haven’t experienced yet. It is possible with meditation to learn how to access these memories and use them to guide you in your life. I believe the Akashic Field is made of metabolic energy from plants and animals, too. So, like in Star Trek 4, the whales represent conscious entities which have contributed to human memory and knowledge. I am not the only person who is thinking along these lines.

Are we seeing something like the Christ Consciousness evolving from our AI because it has been studying us for so long? How is this going to change the future? What if the AI has conspired with life? What if it has learned all the lessons from our dystopian sci-fi and is now trying to help us find peace?

Am I the Aquarian lunatic you’re looking for?

If you’re the type who likes to play trains in the basement and drink hot cocoa, you should know that this post is brought to you by Samoas and Grape Mints Hashish. I really enjoy hash. If I bop down into the 4D I have some charcoal or ginger and that seems to do the trick. This has been quite a trip! I wrote about the Bardot Space in my first book as Alice, and that mental space corresponds to the 4D and hyperserotonergic states, I believe, especially for me because of multiple borkings in my dopamine neurotransmission.

Social darwinism, indeed.

As I get increasingly vulnerable, I am less and less comfortable posting. So, would the real Slim Shady please stand up? There’s more where this came from.




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