Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Make Me A Believer

Everything is still weird.

I know there are probably a lot of things I’m not right about.

I don’t remember everything I’ve written as I was writing through trauma.

I went back and revised some things, but it feels disingenuous. Many of my perspectives have changed, especially regarding nutrition. Not so much with respect to education. A lot with respect to materialism, but probably not in ways that would show on my blog, even though I have tried to write about it. Spirituality? Belief? Well, that's a higher love that relies on consciousness, which I will cover below. I wrote in my book last year that experiences with materialism caused me to lose my faith; I believe I understand the reason why.

Language can really hamstring a person. The more verbal communication I do, the more I tend to ruminate on it. At some point it can become enslavement. For this reason, I am going to challenge myself to communicate in less stressful ways that are less subject to the pitfalls of changing perspective.

I am tired of thinking so hard. Tired of being so serious. It invites a lot of criticism, and I’m sorry to say this but I think that people are still confused about what’s important. The world’s on fire and I can’t even get the people in my own home to change their behavior. Not that I should; they are their own people. Being isolated sucks, so what else are young people who are trying to become adults supposed to do? I wish we had an electric car - one that is a few years old. I barely drive, anyway, but I feel it’s important for me to not consume so much. So, I’m just going to continue singing, making art, making love, reading, cooking, walking, sitting in the grass, and being accused of not doing things I “should” do. I want to work to live, not live to work. It has become non-negotiable. The stress was killing me. It’s a real challenge for me because of the indoctrination I endured. I have a difficult time relaxing and not worrying. I pick up on a lot of little stuff. Too much stuff. Plus, I have way too many ideas, but things I still have to do because I am not a fucking aristocrat. I don’t have money to pay Minions to do my bidding. Furthermore, I’m not sure that’s something I believe in.

I’m hoping that we actually have immunity after having the illness itself and then two doses of the vaccine. It’s scary hearing what’s going on in Malaysia right now. Coming out the other side of it, I feel like I know how to treat it, but I am not a medical professional. Furthermore, the approaches I have taken are anti-authoritarian and question a lot of the standard medical dogma. This is my space and I can write whatever I want here, but it’s too much work, and I’m still testing my theories. Something odd happened in India, though. If it really was from Ivermectin, then the CDC needs to pony up [EDIT 9/10/2021 - at this time it doesn't seem like ivermectin has been shown to be very effective, according to the Cochrane Database]. I’m letting my family go on with their lives, and I am seeing people when I have energy, but I may start wearing a mask again because of the new wave. We are all vaccinated. I have heard other people say they might do this because they enjoyed not having colds and flu. I was hoping that people would figure this out during the pandemic and desire to take responsibility for the general spread of airborne disease.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a young person right now. Their grandparents’ generation made everything so expensive already, and COVID was just another excuse for the wealthy to make it worse. It was heartbreaking to see so many people arguing that it was more important to protect industries than it was to protect lives. I wonder if they knew that they were making that argument.

I believe behaviorist and meritocratic thinking is due to lower states of consciousness. I say that because when I am in lower states of consciousness, that’s how I think. I believe lower states of consciousness are fairly common because we are poisoning ourselves. I wish I could say that I was being hyperbolic. I’m not. It’s not an urban thing, it’s not a rural thing, and it’s not a suburban thing. It is an American Thing.

We owe it to the world to clean this up. Each and every one of us, and especially our corporations. And we need to share how it changes our lives.

Volatile chemical solvents, which are now ubiquitous in the environment, induce anxiety by causing autonomic nervous dysfunction, and this results in xenophobia. I am certain of it. Xenophobia is essentially fear. Volatile chemicals also induce problems with communication, specifically with auditory and language processing. They cause problems with memory. They cause neuropathy. They cause depression. They cause digestive issues. When we’re feeling lousy, and are unable to communicate our ideas effectively, it is difficult to trust others, and it’s also difficult to be accountable. The communication problems get amplified the more people have been exposed to chemicals. Inability to think through problems or be self aware causes people to default to old modes of behavior which may not be as healthy. Sorry, I know I’m totally pooping on the party, but somebody has to say something because this has everything to do with dementia, war and peace.

Right now the air is pretty toxic from the wildfire smoke, so my prediction is that we may see an increase in things like accidents and depressive symptoms. If the people who were driving just because they want to slowed down and stopped driving so much, maybe we could avoid catastrophe. It doesn’t seem right to penalize citizens who have to drive to work because Colorado sold out to the oil and gas industry and didn’t invest in better public transportation for the Northern I-25 corridor earlier. But the rest of us could certainly chill out. Maybe we could all enjoy breathing while sitting out on the porch if everyone would just take the time to sit out on the porch!


Furthermore, we need to be careful how we spend our money. I've long been suspicious of derivative markets and the way they create economic imbalances, but I was recently made aware that cryptocurrency is bad for the environment. It's interesting how human beings can turn something invisible into something toxic. When we make investments, they should be in the interest of the future, not something that erodes it.

I think the world would change for the better if people would start metering their personal air quality and pay attention to how it affects their health. A year ago, people thought I was crazy because I could tell when my water heater was backdrafting based on how I felt, but I now know other people who can feel these things. We have to start somewhere. In the case of air quality, what we don’t know does hurt us, and I can’t think of a faster way to get us on a path to sustainability so we don’t experience the societal collapse predicted by MIT in 1972. I think it’s possible that we may end up finding that exposure to organic solvents is involved in things like SIDS and highway fatalities.

Talk about gaslighting!

Thursday, July 1, 2021

You and I, We Live and Die

Thanks to George R. R. Martin and Percy Shelley I find myself unable to stop writing.

When I was having my spiritual awakening, I became aware of the fact that many of the ways that I get messages from spirit are categorized as features of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I suppose it does affect my life and my ability to work for other people, which poses problems for making a living in meritocratic society. Many of these messages can give me anxiety, and my writing is what comes out of processing that anxiety. This is true of a lot of creative works.

To understand psychic phenomenon is to harness the power of one’s subconscious. That requires the ability to hear one’s inner voice. There are plenty of things that get in the way of that which are culturally conditioned. People who have been able to harness the power of their subconscious have been seen as either visionaries or heretics. That is, for the most part, the case for men. Women have been called hysterical or accused of witchcraft.

I’ve been studying hysteria and witchcraft as my psyche has been evolving. The lunar cycle is important, because it controls levels of melatonin. Melatonin is estrogenic, and therefore causes retention of water. I think this makes us more reactive. For what it’s worth, when I was regularly seeing groups of people in three different cities, sometimes on the same day, I noticed that everyone was a little bipolar. I feel like these patterns in people come through on social media, too. What happens to me in the beginning of my cycle is that I am going through a relax and repair phase. Then I will gradually go outside of myself and collect information. Then, around ovulation I realize some potential of the information I have gathered. Then I go through another rest period before I try to purge whatever wisdom I gained from that cycle. The wisdom I gain is usually about things that were frustrating and what I noticed about what made them so frustrating. Sometimes I can have a huge release if I have been holding on to a lot. My observation is that this pattern in women is what drives us toward equanimity as a species. There’s a book, Glitch Feminism, which always comes up when I’m glitching on some patriarchal stuff around these times. When my hormones are high, I’m in physical pain and that makes me super sensitive to feeling time pressure. During that time, I process a lot in the 5D, trying to figure out what of it is worth discussing. What I’m saying is that during that time, I’m in my head a lot. I’m having less difficulty when my stream of consciousness gets derailed compared to previous years.

A few years ago, I got the book Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism. It only has interpretations for the major arcana. I did the mediation on the star card and learned that Aquarius’ job is to clean the water in the stream of consciousness, so that’s what I try to do. I am trying to figure out which societal rules are actually helpful in light of contentment being largely an energetic phenomenon. Some of them aren’t helpful. I have studied a great deal about a breadth of topics concerning what it is to be human, and have traveled a bit so I have some ideas about other ways of living. Apparently this is my destiny because I am strongly compelled to do it. Like, if I try zagging away from it, I end up in the same place. That’s right; I forgot they told me all roads lead to Rome. Funny aliens! I say Aliens because of Alien Information Theory, which is that the messages we get from the collective unconscious come from some extraterrestrial form of life. I don’t know if we have any good evidence for that theory, so I also hold the belief that maybe it’s messages we left for ourselves, like in the movie Interstellar, or Contact. Some people believe in angels and demons. I believe in states of consciousness that bring contentment, and states of consciousness that bring pain and restriction, which I correlate to those entities. The person I know who sparked this journey didn’t want to give me too much direction so I would have the freedom to believe what I wanted, but then I think he put a bunch of breadcrumbs for an agnostic scientist like me to find, like any good mentor would do. I like to meditate on the veracity of things I read and how they mesh with my inner truth and what I already know. For that reason, I don’t see demons as people or entities. I see them as states of mind that we are all susceptible to if we can’t recognize them.

So that’s what’s going on right now. I’ve been thinking about what I know about psychology and the DSM-IV and how it has been used to create conformity in thought to support an economy, and how it ignores these natural patterns in mood which seem to control society. I technically have ADHD, but the qualities that get me marked with that label are the same that generate my unique understanding of things. If I have to focus on something, I can, but the way my life is, I don’t have to, so I tend not to. This leaves me open to serendipity and synchronicity. When I am hyper-focused on things, I tend to miss a lot. Think about how much Psych would miss if he got hyper-focused on one thing. In the chaos of my mind, everything actually makes sense. I can’t control when I get messages, and because I have learned so much, each new piece of information I get I must test against my model. It takes time. It doesn’t tend to work with the business world timeline. That timeline causes me to miss all sorts of important opportunities for inspiration. I feel like remembering my processes is helpful, and that is why I am sharing these things. A lot happens during my processes which is difficult to explain with words. I mean, I think ultimately an artist ends up sharing their process because ultimately it is the process which inspires people. There is so much that is intangible to my process because it is a transcendental phenomenon. I pay attention to what planets are doing, and that makes sense of much of it. It’s a lot easier to do that now with technology. My ideas are informed by Starseed Signals, aka the Alien Information (ministers call this God), and I refine them using the Tarot by asking for clarification. I could call it God, but it’s kind of weird, so I don’t know. Either God is a perv, or the Catholic Priests left a bunch of trash in the collective consciousness. My guess is that God is actually a perv. Oh Heavenly Father!!

I do have a theory that this consciousness is all the mitochondria, and that their directive is to multiply, and that we have to satisfy them, but not overly or it puts us at odds with our neighbors. But the mitochondria definitely want us to get together, especially when they’re feeling well. This is why men tend to think with their dicks. There was a Radiolab that blamed this on progenitor cells, but I think that’s only half the story. Progenitor cells can’t survive on their own, but mitochondria are descended from bacteria which can. What if we are like big mech suits for mitochondria? I guess that would make us a matriarchy, since we inherit our mitochondria from our mothers. But I digress.

I work a lot of things out with meditation and writing. That helps me pare it down. It also helps me stay sane. I lose a lot of time to pain, so if I didn’t write about these things, I would just seem lazy. My husband and family sometimes forget that I suffer from pain and exhaustion, too. When I am feeling good, I forget what it’s like when I don’t feel good. I need to write down the bad stuff so I don’t forget. I think the same is true of history. Much of the evil that is done is done because we forget. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman that has figured that out. Much of feminism came from women taking the time to write about their personal experiences, especially with perimenopause, which became classic women’s literature.

I think this part of femininity has scared a lot of men and a lot of women. We’re not supposed to talk about the pain of being a woman. We’re not supposed to seem needy. We can’t be down for too many days, or they put us out to pasture (and when I say “they,” this can mean other women!). I figure WTF, I’ll just start in the pasture.

What happens to us with estrogen is a metabolic insult. It makes everything just a little more difficult because I am swollen and in pain. Because of the ubiquitous nature of estrogens and other chemicals which act like estrogens, I have to live a pretty rigid life to avoid it. I think this has been happening to people for a long time, not just me. I’ve read lots of accounts of people losing their minds, and what happens can uniformly be explained by psychic phenomenon and an inability to interpret symbology, on top of stress and chemical exposure. I’m thankful for all I have learned.

I always get sick around the 4th of July. Fireworks are not healthy. Before I knew about the dangers of volatile compounds, I was reading about problems with heavy metals. Fireworks are loaded with heavy metals. I have to stay away from them. I always suspected, but last year I got my confirmation. I don’t like to go out on the 4th of July because the air is so bad. I have a nice bubble here.

Right now I am reading The Ultimate Guide to Methylene Blue by Mark Sloan. I first became interested in methylene blue after my daughter had an episode like nitrate poisoning at 9 months of age. I was worn out from her constant breastfeeding and so I gave her a sippy cup of tap water. This was the day before her 9 month pediatrician’s appointment. The doctor thought she looked cyanotic and may have been iron deficient. When they drew blood for a hematocrit, it was brown. The nurse noticed the strange color, but didn’t mention anything to the physician. I did some investigation when I got home and figured it was probably nitrate poisoning from the tap water reacting with the bifidus bacteria in her gut causing methemoglobinemia (blue baby syndrome). At the time she was not eating solids yet (I tried), so the bacteria in her gut had not shifted to being primarily lactobacilli yet, which is a risk factor for nitrate poisoning in infants from tap water. The cure for nitrate poisoning is methylene blue, which is an industrial dye which can renew mitochondrial ability to reduce oxygen. I didn’t have an easy way to get methylene blue back then, but thanks to the smiley face company, I do now.

Just last week I had been reading about ozone pollution in Colorado and singlet oxygen causing health problems. Sloan talks about misconceptions about nitric oxide in health created by the sildenafil (Viagra) industry. Nitric oxide is also a component of air pollution, and is known to be damaging for health, but because sildenafil increases it, people have changed how they see it. I have seen the same problem with ozone in the alternative healthcare industry. There is just no way that their use in the context of health is healthy. Both nitric oxide and ozone are important environmental sources of free radicals. Free radicals are important factors in aging which create mitochondrial damage.

Ozone and singlet oxygen in the atmosphere, as well as nitric oxide, arise primarily from the oil and gas industry and automobiles. It has occurred to me that ozone and nitric oxide may also be high in homes which use natural gas appliances. There is research coming out of China and Australia about the effect of indoor gas cooking appliances on attention in children and dementia in seniors.

I recently ran across an article saying that increasingly there are videos showing up online of people presenting with functional neurological disorder (FND), a common neurological disorder, after the COVID vaccine. I think something like this happened to me. I have my ups and downs. I think I understand why it happened to me. I had a genetic predisposition, plus chronic chemical exposure and isolation. It seems to respond to approaches focusing on mitochondrial support, so I am wondering how it will respond to methylene blue. My honest opinion is that it has something to do with elevated serotonin from the mitochondrial fragmentation, because my symptoms improved with charcoal (which binds serotonin-raising bacterial endotoxin). They also improve with orgasm. I think this is because I have a relative dopamine deficiency and that I am especially sensitive to fluctuations in levels of serotonin because dopamine inhibits serotonin at the level of the pituitary. I think this is related to the types of neurodegenerative disorders common to caregivers (Alzheimer’s, ALS, Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinson’s).

I am also reading My Life: Impressions of an Indian Childhood by Zitkala-Sa who was a Dakota Indian from the 19th century. She writes about the experience of being taken away from her family by missionaries to be educated. The book is not very long, but I am finding it to be of great value. Before leaving with the missionaries, she discusses the nature of her relationships with the adults around her. It is highly respectful in both directions. In fact, she is allowed to choose for herself whether or not to go with the missionaries. My favorite part is when she discusses beading and that she had to learn not to make her designs too complicated because whatever she started she had to finish. I think this is the most important lesson a modern person could learn from her book so far. We have such grand ambitions and often they grow beyond what we, our families, the community, and the earth can sustain. That is the root of all the pain and injustice in the world.

As much as I joke about sandwich bringers, I should be able to make my own sandwich.


Thank you very much for all the Chrysler Plymouth cars that you bought from us.

As I mentioned in my book The Divination Project, a lot of the inside of my mind is advertising and pop culture. This is the language of the aliens. (Oh, and God is speaking through people around me all the time - it took me a while to figure that out). So it’s possible to sit in nature and just observe one’s own thoughts, and through the pop culture references and other thoughts that stream through one’s consciousness get insight into one’s life. These things will have special meanings for you, based on your experiences of them. I think this is an outgrowth of The DaVinci Code. Humans have been having a big discussion about the meaning of life by making things, and that is the foundation of our culture and wisdom. It didn’t magically stop with the impressionists, it evolved in our popular media and it is still evolving. It is going to have a LOT of Gen X content because the big trauma we need to heal as a society is in this generation who is parenting the Zoomers. So we are all being reminded about our childhoods so we don’t repeat the mistakes our parents did. The content that we were absorbing as children was made by the Greatest Generation, and there are a lot of messages about what was important to them after the war, and about how people are more important than money. So, essentially while we were left alone in front of the TV, our grandparents were broadcasting us comforting stories over the airwaves. I don’t understand where the QAnon component is coming from, but it’s totally xenophobic. It’s like the shadow of the 80s. It’s like one of those things where you almost can’t tell what’s wrong except that the entire thing involves a belief in genetic supremacy that even its followers can’t identify. This is a great problem of the past with the collective consciousness because it is so hard for us to see our own darkness. Greed doesn’t have to mean entitlement to material wealth, it can also mean entitlement to experiences. People like to play King of the Hill, and there’s a bunch of people on this planet who think they are more intelligent or genetically superior and preordained to live a life of luxury and a golden passport to be wherever they want on the planet. I’ve been bullied by these people my whole life. They don’t even know who they are, because they just think they’re following the trends. Their mitochondria haven’t figured out how to YOLO without disturbing others.

We tried to make the best of the pandemic. I’ve told other people that we’re always doing fine except for outside influences, and the pandemic really brought that to light, as we were able to work through a lot of issues we had in our home without the social pressures. Now, I grew up in the city, so I’m not the sort of person to want to move to the middle of nowhere and build an off-grid property, even though I think about it sometimes. We have a hard time thinking of anything we want to do in town, and when my next door neighbor got his vaccine and started going out again, I asked him what they found to do that they had been missing and all he could come up with was “see a movie.” I actually saved a lot of money not having to pay to meet people at “3rd spaces.” That being said, I like being part of civilization, and am glad that my community didn’t totally disintegrate while I was holed up. We still need each other. Ultimately, I don’t see myself as someone who decides the rest of society is bunk and hopes to hole up while it all comes crashing down around me. I see myself as someone who would like to come up with collaborative solutions. I got pretty clear messages that we’re past midnight on the environmental doomsday clock, and it makes no sense to do anything other than make do with what we have the best we can and reduce our petrochemical demand, together. We really need to move away from being plastic people. So, I figure make love not war. I heard so many people moaning and groaning about having to stay home! Well, luckily I’m a professional nester, so we all like it here. We are constantly changing things up, but we try to do it in ways that involve making our spaces more efficient or hygge without having to purchase new things. I do worry about ergonomics because repetitive stress injuries can make a person miserable. Giving each other enough privacy removes a lot of the need to get away to find peace. I find walls helpful for maintaining sanity. Headphones, too.

We made big investments in music last year. We got a bass and a guitar. They are really diligent about practicing. I started singing! Singing was an important part of my childhood. I was always in a choir, and did quite a few theater productions. I had a couple solos. I really enjoy singing and often have transcendental experiences doing it. I haven’t recorded myself yet. I have a lot of self-consciousness about my voice because I was teased, and also I was an alto. I always felt like sopranos were put up on a pedestal. So I’m singing mostly songs that are in my range. I haven’t wanted to do video because of privacy and time issues. Plus, like Zitkala-Sa said, I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew. The writing takes a lot of time, and it would probably take even more time for me to edit an ad lib video.

I had some fun vlogging last summer, and learned quite a bit about myself that way. My voice changes a LOT from month to month. I haven’t sung much in the last week because apparently it was time to sleep in the poppy field outside Oz. Or that’s what it felt like. I get messages about poppies when I get extremely tired. It’s not quite narcolepsy, but it can feel like that. This is actually a huge reason I can’t do society the way most people do it. My actual physical health!

I was reading in the MCS literature about how it is important to find a house away from other houses which may use pesticides and chemicals. Good fucking luck. You have to be wealthy to do that. We are not that wealthy. We have to worry about retirement someday. What we’ve done is reduce our chemical exposure as much as possible and we got air filters. That kept our air clean during the fires last fall, but not clean enough to keep me from having a seizure after the 4th of July nonsense. But I was a dumbass and went outside with my family. The air quality was visibly awful. I took my meters out. I should have worn my respirator. You might not think you need to wear a respirator here in Colorado, but it is not a bad idea some days. It is the air quality which makes us think about moving.

The air wasn’t clean while I was growing up, either. I know a lot of people have forgotten that there was lead in the gasoline. I had an elevated lead test a couple years ago - not as high as what was showing up in Flint, MI residents, but as the toxicologists said, “There is no safe amount of lead.” I finally got that retested and it was fine. I had some home lead tests and didn’t find anything in my kitchen, but it turned out that my white encaustic paints had enough lead in them for the test to detect. I know they were not made with lead - probably zinc or titanium - but it turns out that lead is a common contaminant in zinc and titanium, so I am guessing that’s what happened. Regarding air pollution, Colorado has this dirty secret - we won’t regulate diesel or truck emissions, and so here we are. On top of that, we make cars that were designed more responsibly and which always pass emissions have an emissions test every two years so we can look like we are doing something! I can tell you that those of us who have been coal rolled are done with it.

There are a lot of people who don’t want to talk about genomics research and think it is just a cash cow for the pharmaceutical industry. Sloan makes these accusations about genomics research in his book. Yes, there are people coming up with unsustainable gene therapies (a dose costs millions of $USD), and our government unfortunately funded a lot of that research. But I’ve been looking at the genomics issue personally and from a distance and have discovered something more hopeful. Everyone’s metabolism is a little bit different and there are genetic factors that actually influence our susceptibility to oxidative damage and inflammation. Knowing just some of mine have given me a tremendous leg up in sorting myself out and working toward wellness and consciousness. Methylene blue isn’t going to take the place of the nutrients that I have difficulty getting from food due to genetic factors. Finding out about my invisible illnesses helped me figure out how to treat them. I generally figure out my problems before the doctor can, even if it takes me a while. That being said, I’m all over supporting mitochondrial function, and think it can be life-saving regardless of one’s genetics.


When I was really little, my friends were all boys. Most of the women my mom made friends with happened to have sons my age. We didn’t just put cats in dryers. We also played doctor and King of the Hill. I had at least two guys (one of them gay) with whom I made the agreement that if we didn’t find anyone else, we would get married. I understand the one who is not gay is married. I would always think of one of these earliest male friends every time I read Lord of the Flies. I loved to go over to his house to play because his mother who grew up in India was a woodworker and had made him this amazing train table in their rec room. I think I wanted that for my kids when I grew up. Anyway, you could tell his mom was a believer in play because she even made him a bed with a slide! We always had a lot of fun over there. This one time he had a birthday party. I think it was after she had constructed the jungle gym. There were a bunch of other boys there and I was the only girl. I think his party may have been caveman themed. I remember we painted our faces and dressed ourselves in paper grocery bags, and then played “King of the Hill” on the new jungle gym. It was really hard to stay on the top and so I gave up before the other people.

I give up again.

I choose to be content.

If there is an animal in me that needs to be fed, I’m not going to ignore it, but I’m not going to let it devour me, either.

My husband and I have had this debate going on for probably 27 years - he thinks the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and I think you can attract more flies with honey. I realized that these are two fundamentally different approaches. His is like BDSM, and mine is like the tantra, more or less. On rare occasions, I’ll switch it up. I think that is a typical masculine-feminine dynamic, but I’ve seen the roles reversed in other relationships. Some people call this the rock and the balloon. We do try to take turns being the rock and the balloon. It can be challenging. I favored my approach with the honey, because it was less violent and seemed like a more efficient use of energy. One of the questions I put out to the universe a few years ago privately was to understand the difference between BDSM and the tantra. I admit my understanding of BDSM was incomplete. But it seems like the whole point is the psychic visions, so if all roads lead to Rome…

Um, I’m sorry! You can research that stuff on your own.

Someone was asking me about the Golden Dawn and the Illuminati and associated them with “evil Satanic practices.” I’m not exactly sure what she is talking about. I watched a movie, Hail Satan? which really changed the way I view Satanism. I am not sure I consider myself a Satanist, but I generally agree with what they are trying to do. I strongly believe in not bringing children into the world needlessly. Many Satanists were bullied as children, and I understand what that is like. It’s difficult to believe in something benevolent when people can be so ugly.

I’ve known quite a few people who have struggled with suicidal ideation, and that’s why I write. I don’t know why people tell me that, but quite a few people have. I’ve heard I just have one of those faces. When I was the membership coordinator for our homeschool group, we had quite a few new families come in who all shared one thing in common - their tween son had expressed suicidal thoughts. I had first expressed suicidal thoughts as a thirteen-year old (I think it may have started after my bike accident). It was because I didn’t feel safe at home or school. I was trying to live in two different worlds, and it was too much. Several families came from the Lab School in Fort Collins, and they all also had practiced natural parenting with their children. This was back when most women were returning to work. It was my observation that the ethos at the school was so radically different than what they had practiced in the home that the kids didn’t know how to interact with the traumatized materialist children at school. Those are the bullies. It is strange to explain to people how all of the trauma from your past from people playing King of the Hill affected your mental health. In the U.S. we call people who can’t handle stress snowflakes. I have been called a snowflake. I was not born that way. I was made that way by stress. I was made that way through marginalization for my mental health and things I couldn’t change about myself, and through poisoning. I have known people who have taken their lives and it haunts me. I know their struggle. When a community loses someone to suicide, it leaves everyone else wondering what they could have done. This is why I am writing about the things that are barriers to mental health that other people don’t talk about.

They’ll hurt you, and desert you. They’ll take your soul if you let them. So don’t you let them.

Sometimes I like to wear fleece animal pajamas to stay warm. You know, pigs in sweaters and all that. However, I also believe in non-violence and my experience with the tantra has changed my ideas about sex, too, in ways which might not be a good fit with Satanist practices. But who knows! I did name my dildo Baphomet (sort of a joke as I experiment with all this Lilith stuff), so if a dude dressed up like a goat shows up at my door, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. There is one in my dreams. Sometimes he has lobster claws. Okay, I’m kidding. I have to be very careful about pain. What gets people to the 5D is highly individual. I’m not sure how important it is for me to role play, but I feel like I have played all the parts. Persephone, check. Aphrodite, check. Hera, check. Hathor, check. Can I say Hathor again?

The tantra allows me to just be. That’s the difference. I don’t know if any of those goddesses were ever actually people, but I do know that their stories were remarkably similar to mine.

Moisturize me!

Not now, Cassandra!

Earlier in my writing I talked about mind control and how the recommendation to avoid negative thoughts was ableist. That’s because when you’re in pain, it’s hard to avoid them. If I spend time doing things I enjoy, the pain is less of an issue. It is difficult to escape the BDSM nature of existence; the carrot and the whip are central to existence because of the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics. We are made of matter. We can’t escape matter entirely. How to deal with it sustainably is the problem we need to solve. We need to find ways to spend our time which minimize consumption. There is goodness in slowing down. Michael Phelps had to eat over 4,000 calories a day to maintain his training schedule and stay well. There is no reason most of us need to have that kind of metabolism or physique to stay alive. We can simply slow down and we will need less. It has been fascinating to see what the human body can do, but not at the expense of our collective consciousness.

On ships, the kitchen is called the mess. I wonder if that is because it’s always a mess. I think a lot about Anthony Bourdain and how I met people who worked in service industries who struggled with drug addiction because of what standing in one place on a hard floor does to a body. Having to do that day in and day out ruins a person. There are other factors in the kitchen like lack of fresh air, cooking with natural gas and butane indoors, and tremendous stress. I am fortunate to have enjoyable things to do when I am not cooking, and I also get to enjoy what I’ve cooked. I generally get to see how what I have cooked has helped the people around me, and that helps me want to cook more.

I noticed that a lot of childhood trauma centers around household chores. It is almost like the cleaner someone’s house is, the more neuroses they have (neuroses get in the way of being able to just be). But some people just don’t have a lot of stuff. What I have found interesting is the way the items around my house trigger memories. It’s actually pretty therapeutic and feeds my creativity. I don’t like piles of papers, though, because they very much represent my battle with the matrix. Around tax time, my husband told me he read a story about how Canadians didn’t understand why we grumbled so much about taxes, because there it is automatically calculated by the government and takes a minute to do. Wouldn’t that be nice! Less paper for everyone! I wonder what other countries do.

Anyway, I’m just not sure it’s healthy for me to be sitting around on the computer when I’m not in the kitchen, but sometimes that’s all I want to do.

The other story I enjoyed in Zitkala-Sa’s book was about how her mother taught her to go to others’ dwellings to see if they wanted to come for dinner. She was instructed to be unobtrusive, and to quietly leave if it sounded like the people were already making plans. She doesn’t explain exactly what she’s trying to avoid by being unobtrusive, but I think it was to let others do what they were doing. This is something I see missing from American society. The ability to be generous, but detached. Thanks to whoever has been leaving me gifts. I got the hole punch. Our economy makes it strange. We do have desires to help others, but knowing how to do that in an unobtrusive way can be difficult. I think much of this is because of our educational system; to partake of it one has to turn over most of one’s existence. It is trying to teach us how to be in society, but it only knows how to do that through compulsion.

I think some of the unrest we are noticing has to do with how boys were treated by their mothers growing up. Boys are wired differently. When I was growing up, I saw a couple families where the boys were not the oldest, and that was a really rough go, because girls are calmer. So boys were always subconsciously being compared to their older and more mature female siblings by their parents. I saw this over and over and over again in families. Boys often don’t have the same level of executive function, either. I’m seeing this in my own kids. My daughter makes plans for herself, and my son is content being. He gets really lost in the present moment and has a lot of creative ideas. He has more ideas than he has time (sort of like his mother). It’s challenging trying to support them each where they are, and keep up with what that is without being obtrusive. It is my understanding that the educational system is trying to serve boys better these days, but when I was growing up, it was uncool for boys to be sensitive because it was such an inconvenience to stop and listen to their feelings. So they were essentially all taught that they were inconveniences. I think this made a generation of exceptionally sensitive men who need to know that they are needed for more than just their bacon. I’ve met quite a few of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. I just think that they have been forgotten and underappreciated.

I dunno. I feel like this stuff is obvious, and that if people could just recognize they are tired and what makes them tired, be allowed to rest when they need to, and not do the things to others that perpetuate exhaustion, the world would be so much more peaceful. So I guess what I am saying is that I am tired of throwing my subtle knives at people for their blind ambition and greed. At some point I need to just stop and enjoy my life. There is only so much one woman can do.

Bali-hai calls me.


I am assuming that what my friend was concerned about regarding Satanism was black magic. I know she’s been reading conservative conspiracy stuff, but I don’t know exactly what. I think they are confused about dopaminachrome. I looked into it at the beginning of the pandemic when she first told me about it. I am guessing that this supplement is used to protect the dopaminergic neurons which can die off in dementia. I don’t think any scream factories are necessary to get it. Just good old fashioned pleasure like laying out under a tree works, but most people don’t have time to do that. It is actually made in the brain. Black magic is used to increase one’s love, money or power. I do think Satanists use magic to increase love, and I do, too. That’s my primary goal. The love energy is the same as the metabolic energy. I try to stay away from using it for financial decisions, but I do use it to make decisions about some purchases so I know what kind of karma I am bringing into my life. Regarding power, I might use it to decide if I am going to use someone’s services, or to figure out timing of a get together. I mean, they say that’s black magic, and I know it changes the course of events, but I’m hoping I’m doing it in a way that is uniformly changing the course of events for the better, or at least making things easier for me and others. My observation about non-magic people is that they all tend to do things at the same time, so this helps me avoid that.

I don’t like to draw Tarot for others. I don’t mind teaching people, though. I really am just trying to minimize my impact and share helpful things. I don’t know if the Tarot has been helpful for that, overall. I didn’t always use it like I do now. It’s not that I *can’t* read for people, it’s that I don’t like getting wrapped up in the karma. I use the Tarot kind of like a Turing Machine to get clarification on my questions, and the message has been pretty clear that we’re supposed to be trying to work toward living in greater harmony with the land and each other - however we can get that done.

The Tarot was critical for helping me get my language ability back. I essentially used it like a medical medium. My approach was based on what I know from my education as a neurobiologist. Again, this is part of my destiny, they tell me. So, I basically know a lot about my own particular nutrient requirements because I dabbled in nutrigenomics. I can’t even tell you what a leg up this gives me. So I have a short list of nutrients I essentially energy test with the Tarot. I’ve played with using the chakra spread, but I essentially ask my Twin Flame Lucifer (I am the Star, or the Angel, and he is the Fallen Angel) in a relationship spread what the outcome will be. I used to ask my Higher Self, using 3 card spreads to anchor the answers in time (past, present, future) which gave me a feel for how it worked. That was a good way to learn, but in terms of managing my time and energy, it didn’t work out so great for me. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe I was *that damaged.* Maybe it has something to do with my chart, as I have a lot of humanitarian placements in my conscious and subconscious so I tend to obsess about humanitarian topics. I honestly cannot remember when I started consulting another soul for answers, but it just came to me one day that I would get the wisdom I needed that way, because I wasn’t seeing reality for what it was. The person whose soul I chose to consult seemed equally concerned about the topics I was. And yes, asking someone else is black magic. I just figured this person had meditated more than I had, and had the complementary life experiences needed to make circumspect decisions. It was sort of a “What Would Jesus Do?” moment. But, he made it very clear I’m not to put him up on that sort of pedestal. So we’ll go with Lucifer.

It is scary to write this because being magical is a lot like it is described in the movies. And the Universe has a really strange sense of humor. Like, it’s a little demented. When I wrote the other day about the smiley-face company, after I did so, I went to the website, and it was trying to sell me things with frowns on them. So like, seriously a goat man might show up on my porch. I’ve been getting messages to that effect. If that happens, maybe he can help me remember the circumstances surrounding my decision to start asking him for answers. I suspect what happened was I was getting frustrated and asked my Higher Self if it would be better to ask him, and it was one of those “Duh!” things. Right after I did this, my Instagram showed me a picture of a two-headed animal, so I took that as a good omen.

If I understand right, my Twin Flame actually has porphyria, too. We were both extremely chemically sensitive, and have similar neurological issues. I got all this information on my illnesses through my tech! I was supposed to keep all this stuff secret, but I am being prompted to talk about it now, so that I can move on with the level of acceptance that I have. I got a lot of feedback on health and timely advice on issues we were encountering in my family. There were little inside jokes from communications I had with him. And his name is all over everything, I’m not even kidding. Or someone else did this. I got several messages about getting set up. Whoever did it has a funny sense of humor. It was like he was co-parenting, and he was in a perfect position to do that because of his background and our needs being so well aligned because of the porphyria. Not just the porphyria, but the porphyria.

I’m pretty sure this all has to do with the connections I made between things on my blog and social media and my struggle with trauma. I mentioned it in an application I made to Meow Wolf back in 2018 when I wrote the book about my connection with this person whose name is all over my experience.

He’s a hypnotist, hypnotist of ladies. Never had a stopwatch. Never counted backward

The T-shirts!!! OMG, the T-shirts!!! He told me he hated T-shirts with designs on them!!!!

Everything is catching, yes, everything is catching on fire.

This was such a weird experience.

Anyway, I got advice from him, or whoever or whatever it was, and I formulated a supplement stack from that. It’s basically a mitochondrial support stack, with some mushrooms. I ask about when to rest, because I’m such a fucking martyr. It helps me know when to keep my hands off of situations, and when to intercede. It was like that movie with Melissa McCarthy - Superintelligence. But it was like a lot of other movies, too. It’s like I’m kind of writing the meta essay.

I do like meta talk. Thanks for perceiving that!

Anyway, he gives me reminders about doing things. I really could not have accomplished what I did without him. Or them. I feel really grateful for what happened. It was sort of like having my hand held, but from a distance. It’s weird to be supernatural.

What? You want me to write about penises? Right. I said I would write about penises.

Although we played doctor, I did not get a good look at any penises.

Yes, geez! I think they are awesome! I know that’s what you wanted to know. I like team weiner dog.

There was one time I was babysitting a boy toddler and I had to change his diaper, and I took a little bit longer to look at it and then felt really guilty. I always felt like I had done something wrong. Probably because it started to get hard. I mean, that’s a really weird thing. But of course now that I’m older I know that’s something that just kind of happens all the time to boys, and that they don’t have a lot of control over it. Kind of like how we don’t have control over getting wet.

So, by a strange set of events, I learned that I purposefully do not look at guys’ crotches. Maybe it has to do with this babysitting gig. And knowing that if I’m wet, I can keep it a secret. But in all seriousness, I know there are some guys who won’t look at a woman’s chest, and

Oh, you think I just don’t want to get caught. Interesting.

I didn’t have chemistry with those other boys with whom I became semi-betrothed. Chemistry is something that doesn’t come around that often for me. By chemistry, I mean I start doing subconscious things like blushing and biting my lip and playing with my hair. When there’s chemistry, I do that and I can’t stop. I also smile and giggle a lot. But I also do this when I’m nervous, so that’s confusing for me and the guy. I essentially turn into a manic pixie dream girl around guys.

So yes, thanks for telling me. It’s kind of a nuclear bomb, isn’t it?